May 2014 to May 2015: A Year of Grace

A time of transition is once more upon me. In two short weeks, I will be boarding a plane and most likely saying a permanent goodbye to South Korea. This saddens me for many reasons. I have grown to love this country in the two years (total) that I've spent here. I care deeply for its people and the welfare of its youth growing up under the distinct pressures of this society. I will be saying goodbye to over 70 students that I've had the honor and privilege of teaching at different times over the past year. I will be saying goodbye to my church family at Onnuri English Ministry, a beloved community of dear friends. It will hurt to leave and it has already begun to tear at my heart. As I've prepared for this upcoming transition, the realization occurred to me that “goodbye” is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.

And yet, as a dear friend reminded me, how wonderful to look forward to heaven where we will never have to say any more “goodbyes”! On Good Friday of this year, a sweet, precious friend of mine, Erica Geary, died suddenly in a car accident as she was en route to visit her family for Easter. When I received the news, my world felt very much shattered. My perspectives on everything were once more adjusted and patterned around this undeniable reality that life is incredibly fragile and fleeting. As I've struggled to say my own goodbye to a friend I'll never see again on this earth, I've been comforted by the knowledge that Erica loved Jesus more than anything and that we will meet again in a different place to once more worship and glorify our Savior side by side. ...in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. 1 Corinthians 15:52. Oh haste the day!

Another dear friend has also reminded me that sometimes a “goodbye” is necessary in order to say a “hello” to others. This is exciting and gives me hope and joy! When I leave Seoul on May 19^th, I will fly to Madrid, Spain to spend a month with my parents. I am overjoyed to be seeing them soon. While my mother visited me this past September in Korea, I haven't seen my dad since January of 2014. It will be wonderful to spend quality time with them. I am praying that we will use the time wisely and that we can be mutually encouraged during our time together.

Then on June 21^st, I will be returning to U.S. soil after being 13 months abroad! I will spend a few days in Harrisburg, Virginia with my sister and then will be participating in Flood Philly, a Child Evangelism Fellowship (CEF) ministry in Philadelphia. My primary responsibility will be helping to oversee a group of youth who will be receiving training in sharing their faith with other young people and getting a chance to put that into practice. After that event, my plans are less firm for the time being, but there are some good possibilities shaping up. Most of all, I am really looking forward to catching up with friends and family as much as possible!

I am grateful for everyone both in Korea and back home in the U.S. who has reached out to me over the past year via email, Facebook or phone in order to keep in touch and also everyone who has prayed for me. This year was full of very great and trying challenges for me, mostly related to my job, but through each circumstance, God gave me grace and strength to persevere. I have often been physically exhausted and mentally overtaxed which has resulted in my not keeping in touch well with many people I care about. I am sorry for this and wish it had been different, yet I am thankful for the understanding that so many of you have shown and hope I can find some ways to make it up to everyone!

Looking back I am truly astonished at just how much has happened in my life over the past year. The greatest changes are deep within, as God has uprooted many fears and wounds from my past to help me finally put them to rest. Through the hearing of God's word, and the grace and power of the Spirit enabling me to put God's word into practice, I have seen my faith be made sight as God has poured out His love in my life and given me many joys and triumphs in previously dark areas of my life. Praise be to God!

PICTURE TIME

Dinner with friends after church

Street worship with choir group

 

Bike rides in the countryside

Short but fun time with my uncle, Ray, visiting from the states

A fine, spring day in the schoolyard

     

     

     

Some more amazing kids I’ve had the joy to call my students

~~~

Psalm 107:7-9

7 He led them by a straight way

till they reached a city to dwell in.

8 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

for his wondrous works to the children of man!

9 For he satisfies the longing soul,

and the hungry soul he fills with good things.

Amen.

Where I am

The past three and a half months of my time in Korea have resulted in being an unprecedented transformational period in my life which, Lord willing, will only continue. Sure, if you were to meet up with me today for a cup of coffee and we sat down to talk, you may not notice anything too different about me. But I can feel the difference.

I have not been sharing much in writing with anyone lately and I have only filled two pages of my personal journal since I arrived back in this country. The range of changes, emotions, trials, and blessings I've experienced have until now simply been too overwhelming to fully or even partially process. These things combined with the strenuous, exhausting nature of my long work schedule have swept me along in their rising tide. However, I'm slowly coming to a place where I'm beginning to feel my footing once more and I want to try to put down some of it in words.

For years I have felt as though I were just in a holding pattern, shifting about without an anchor, searching for love and meaning but coming up short everywhere I turned. I let feelings of failure from not achieving any sort of success in a career and the shame of public, messy heartbreaks nearly run my soul into the ground. Those of you who know my story well know that I've long regarded my sophomore year in high school as my darkest - a period of loneliness, bullying and self-loathing that frequently had me contemplating ending my life. However, God protected me from myself and brought me healing and restoration through His word and the kindness and love of other believers through the years.

Fast forward a decade or so and again I felt myself descending into darkness and despair following a devastating heartbreak and a particularly difficult and painful season at my workplace at the time. All hope seemed lost. I spent many nights weeping bitterly, hating myself and feeling absolutely wretched. Once more, I began to have more and more frequent thoughts of ending my life. It seemed the only viable solution to the constant pain that had overtaken my heart. Not only that but I was sure that I was a terrible Christian, because good Christians are full of joy in Christ and I believed I would be too if only I could whip myself into shape to pray and read the bible more. The stress of my job, the distress in my heart and worries about my finances had me eating a lot less and I lost 10 pounds in a matter of months, dropping down 2-3 clothing sizes.

In the midst of this continuing downward spiral, I suddenly became determined to return to Korea. There are many things that factored into my decision to return, but ultimately I felt a strong, undeniable call to take this step in faith. As I prepared to make the move, I felt as though I were holding on for dear life, my hope hanging by a splintering thread. Logically, I told myself that I was taking a job in Korea to become more financially stable and finally pay off my lingering college debt. A true aspiration and yet little did I know what else was in store for me.

As I shared with many before I left, I planned to return to a church in Seoul I'd been a part of before. However, when I arrived, the next membership class wasn't starting until October and there were no small groups I could join. Survival without fellowship seemed impossible so I set out to visit a different church I'd known about but had never attended on a Sunday. That is how I ended up at Onnuri English Ministry (OEM), a rather large congregation hosted by an even larger Korean church. I spent the first month of Sundays at this church crying softly though uncontrollably through nearly every service. During my weeks, I was experiencing some very difficult and painful circumstances at my new job and Sundays at church seemed to be my only respite. Some of these circumstances were akin to what I'd experienced back in my sophomore year of high school and never in my life had I felt so broken. Had God brought me to Korea to finally allow me to end my life? My days of struggling would be over and I would be so much happier in heaven with my heavenly Father, or so I thought.

God had other plans for me. I showed up at a membership class one Sunday and promptly became a member of OEM. A few weeks later, I joined a freshly formed newcomers' small group and started enjoying regular fellowship. Through the life-giving, gospel-centered preaching of my new pastor and the loving kindness of my brothers and sisters in Christ at OEM, I began to feel, for the first time in my adult life, deep healing and a profound restoration of hope. My gracious heavenly Father has laid to rest my anxious fears. The sword of His spirit has slain the lies I had long believed, spoken to me by the enemy of my soul. I am not a worthless, unlovable, fatally flawed nobody.

I am chosen, redeemed and forgiven. I have a glorious, imperishable hope in my Savior, Jesus Christ.

These days I am walking on uncharted ground. No longer do my feet tread down the well worn, familiar paths ending in despair, self-hatred and bitterness. Surely my life as a Christian on this earth is still a spiritual battle to be fought each day. But now I am fighting victoriously and my hope is secure.

I came to Korea expecting to just keep eking out my seemingly protracted, struggling existence. But thankfully God has much greater plans as he has used more suffering and the truth of His word to bring me to the freeing understanding that my life is in His hands. There is still much work to be done in my life, but it is God's power that will do the work and I can rest confidently in His assurance.

For “He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103:10 (ESV) Rather, “after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)

What a great and mighty God we serve.

Just over 3 years. Just over 3 weeks.

The amount of time since my last blog post. The amount of time since I’ve returned to Korea. I’ve decided it’s time.

For those of you back in the U.S. or Spain who would like to know how I’m getting along, this is for YOU! Thank you for your support, prayers, love, well wishes, and for checking up on me and staying in touch. The past few weeks and months have really been a whirlwind of activity, emotion and decision making. Packing up belongings. Downsizing. Saying goodbyes. Uprooting. Yes, again. Then moving, traveling, and adjusting to a new city and a new job. It has been a lot to take in. Not in a bad way, but I have needed time to get into a routine and let the dust settle a bit.

What can I say? It feels incredible to be back in Korea. I have caught myself walking with a grin on my face, looking around, taking it all in, almost in disbelief, and saying to myself, “You’re really here!” Time and time again I have been thanking the Lord for giving me this wonderful opportunity to return. My first experience in Korea had a profound impact on my life and definitely changed me for the better.

I am sure that the second time around will be no less of a challenging and growing experience. This time I am working a longer schedule (by choice) where I teach 10 to 11 classes per day. I teach kindergartners until around 2 o’clock and then from 3:00 - 6:40 PM or 7:25 PM (depending on the day), I will teach various elementary classes. I even have 3 classes spread out over the week where I teach a small secondary level class of 13-year-olds. Every week I’m teaching everything from phonics, reading, grammar, and writing to vocabulary, debate and even a social studies class!

These are busy times for me. The days are long and packed with few breaks or times to plan. As a result, the days have been flying by and I can’t believe I’ve already been teaching for 3 whole weeks! While I think I’ve gotten myself back into teacher-mode fairly quickly, I hope to not only regain the previous skills I had acquired in the classroom, but also build on them and grow professionally. I feel invigorated and excited by the challenge of having so many classes and students. I find it very motivating and enjoyable to have a direction in which to push and challenge myself. There is plenty, and I mean plenty, of room for me to grow as a teacher and it’s pretty much up to me to take the initiative to do so. Everyday I am motivated to do better and be better. It’s exciting!

I have taken an exorbitant amount of pictures since my arrival, so I am having difficulty deciding what to post. For now I’ll just post a couple of my favorite shots so far. If there are requests for pictures of anything in particular that sparks someone’s interest, just let me know. One of the things I love about exploring Seoul is that it’s virtually impossible to go wrong. You almost don’t even need a plan. Just venture out and you’re bound to stumble upon history, culture, hiking trails and ultra-modern architecture or some other exciting thing around nearly every corner.

By the way, Seoul is full of mountains and hiking is a popular, national past time, so I aim to do my fair share of hiking while in the country.

Enjoying the view atop Achasan Mt., the one nearest my apartment

Achasan Ecological Park

Overlooking part of the Dongdaemun Design Plaza in downtown, Seoul. It is very impressive and much larger than my camera can adequately capture.

A stream runs through Guri City, making it’s way to the Han River

Walking up the steps of a train station

Dongnimmum Gate in Independence Park

Panoramic view near the top of Ansan Mt. (Inwangsan Fortress in the left background. N Seoul tower in the right.)

Until next time!