Holler.

So its really late on a friday night and tomorrow is a big day...but yeah i'm still awake. Don't really know why except obviously i can't sleep. I guess life's been throwing me some curveballs lately, or at least i've been running right into them, but in any case I think I have too much on my plate right now. I've never been so good at dealing with things and sometimes I just wish everything would disappear. But like Pastor Krouscas asked at Church last sunday, do you really wish all your hardships would just go away? Paul endured many trials for the sake of the cross. Now, I am not comparing myself to Paul at all so let me get that straight first. For the trials I endure are mostly brought on by myself. But, there must be something to be learned from it all. Or some purpose. How utterly amazing that God can work everything for His glory, including the loads of idiot and careless things I seem to do from time to time. Whenever I get into a mess God is always there with a hanky for me. But doesn't He ever get tired of drying my tears? When am I supposed to grow-up and handle life in a mature, adult fashion?? And why I'm resorting to Xanga to type up horribly composed thoughts I don't know. I'm so sorry for any of you who read this far. I just needed a place to think in circles until it came out sort of straight.

I've been saying to myself over and over again "seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you..." I don't think I've been doing that lately. Somewhere along the line I through Jesus out of the driver's seat and said. Wait a minute, this is my show we are running here. Heather McMillan herself is going to take the wheel and let the world know how it's done. Well I must admit I've failed quite miserably and have been backsliding back into the pit I came from. It's amazing how people generally seem so nice to each other, as if they have it all together. No wonder I feel like such an insecure wreck next to them all. But it's all bogus because everyone has their weaknesses and shortcomings. We are all the same in that respect. Except for Jesus. Beautiful, amazing, perfect Jesus, who's sandals I'm not even fit to touch. It's time I started believing in the glorious love of God and His magnificient plan for his children. My soul has been lazy long enough. Now is the when I need to die daily to all my stupid, selfish, human wants and needs and suck it up and deal. Thank goodness that nothing is too much for God to forgive. Well I think I can almost fall asleep now so I'll stop this madness and get myself to bed. I had almost forgotten how satisfying it was to write about my ridiculous life to my sparse cyber audience. But on a more serious note, I do need prayer, I've realized that. I just don't know who to go to to come clean with it all. I'll ask God for that as I lay me down to sleep.

*peace*

Rockbridge, winter conference, and other things

I'm sitting here swamped to the marsh studying for tomorrow's test (Communication Research). Such a stark, and I repeat STARK, contrast to the awesomeness of this weekend. Full of several kinds of blizzards, hot tubs, good food, good chats with amazing girl pals, the life of Daniel, and an incredible new encounter with my God, this weekend was high on the charts. I'm so thankful for the blessing of being a part of it, and just having the opportunity to go. It's hard coming back to school though, because it's a scenario similar to this:

God: "hey heather, look through that window, see that's heaven out there"
me: "oh awesome, it's so spectacular and happy looking"
God: "I know, it's the best place ever, mostly because then I'll be with you physically"
me: "dude, i wanna go there right now, a.s.a.p. PLEASE"
heather doused with cold water
God:"sorry, you have to stay on the earth longer, you have work to do"
me: "ok....if you say so. But God, I really want to be with you now!!"

So yeah, studying for exams into the wee hours of the morning isn't my favorite way to spend time. How can I do this for the honor and glory of God? It's not enjoyable in any way, shape, or form. Maybe I'll make up stories to go along with the theories...lame -o.

It's monday, 12:30 a.m. and right now I can't see past a little into tuesday. I'm behind in absolutely everything. Rockbridge, you were awesome, but now it's time to plow through the muck again. If only there was another way...

NYC spring break

I decided to take these few minutes as a break between homework to ramble on about what I've been up to lately. I got back from the NYC trip and the week ahead looked dreadful; insurmountable odds seem to pile up and were beginning to topple over in my direction, directly on top of me. This was an away message from that week, showing my confusion and overwhelmed-ness:

slick drop spiral shop
funnel channeled leaning blocks
swoop and stir heavy and blurred
weight and lead upon my head
sigh and sway and pine away
got to find the beat to grind the haze
and stop the maze of busy

I could list all I had to do but that would be boring to read. Just trust me on this, I was freakin' busy!!! Then Friday I drove to Roanoke to interview a photographer at the Roanoke Times. Luckily Kira had come along with me because on the way back my car broke down. But it's been towed and come Monday I'm going to go to the shop where it's at in Christiansburg and see what needs to get fixed. If it ends up being the alternator, Jordan and Aaron have offered to help fix it, so I am very very grateful for that. Many others have expressed a willingness to help out in whatever way I need. I'm glad to be a part of a supportive network of friends!! And in the end I know God has my back and will work everything out.

So, this next week looks busy too, as always, but it looks interesting. Brenden is coming to visit from the other side of the country, so most of the IV crowd will probably meet him. He's staying at my brothers. We knew eachother in Venezuela growing up

Last but not least, God is faithful, and I am so thankful for that. I've been humbled a lot lately, in many ways. But God used my brokenness, I don't know how but he did. That humbled me even more. But I want to stay down. It's not good when my ego, pride and own agendas get in the way. It's better when God is in control. I really like the whole jars of clay metaphor. The fact that we have a treasure inside of us, and that is God. But the funny thing is that he shines the most through the cracks in the jar, those places where we are real in our imperfections. He uses those. It is so beautiful, and I'm amazed and speechless. We are rag dolls that God will render into perfect porcelain for His glory.