I should be getting ready for the Pioneer Girls' Father/Daughter banquet that's happening in 40 minutes but there are many things weighing on my heart. Everyday I try my best to have a cheerful heart the whole way through, but there is so much crashing down all around that threatens to destroy that joy and leaves me inwardly grieving. Yet, it's not so much about myself. I used to really get down when I felt lonely and neglected - and I'm not going to lie, the temptation is still there. But even more so it's the brokenness, anger, hate and resentment that is displayed all around that brings me crying out to God in desperation. This world really is a bitter, twisted place and I'm so thankful that my true home is in heaven! I've tried to deaden my sensitivity because I hate getting all beat up about things, but still I care so much. And how utterly draining it is to love others day in and day out with all that I have and often feel nothing in return. I can't even begin to imagine the rejection suffered by my beautiful Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Abba Father, give me strength to go on! Without his daily influx of love and without the steadfastness of his Spirit, I would very nearly give up completely.
~H.M.
February 18, 2009
February 16, 2009
A different perspective
Tonight I was spending some time with a good friend and a certain part of our conversation really stood out to me so I'd like to write about it and think through it some more. We were discussing community, it's brokenness and the need for growth. As of late, I've been anxious for different friends as I've watched them struggle through things. I tend to just get upset and notice all the issues going on and think about how sad it is. Communities are not indestructible, especially with the devil prowling around looking to devour. So we see our problems and try to fix them. In the words of my friend, we perform maintenance jobs on ourselves so that we can keep going, but nothing more.
But are we capable of looking farther ahead? What if we not only carried each other's burdens but also had a vision for their growth, desiring to see them transformed in Christ?
Hebrews 10:24-25 says "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
One thing I've been noticing in my own life is that I have a huge drive to try to control things. I want things to turn out a certain way. I have expectations for the way things should work out and when they don't happen just like I want, I fall apart, act hopeless, blame myself or others and repeat the whole worry cycle. I am so nearsighted. I see in black and white and only about two feet in front of myself. I need to understand that God's ways are above my ways, that he IS working all things out for the good of those who love him (Ro 8:28). I also need to let go of the feeling that I am responsible for the actions of others. Each man is responsible to God for their own actions; I have only to give an account for myself.
I'm constantly striving, straining and groaning - grabbing pieces of things and trying to put them together and fix them myself. The pain and consequence of sin in my life and the lives of others is real, but can I not also have hope and expect good things? As much as I agonize over brokenness, I should be equally looking for and longing for wholeness, the transforming power of redemption.
Isaiah 55:8-11
God is in the process of changing lives, softening hearts, transforming minds, and renewing souls. It is his job, not mine. And he WILL accomplish all that he desires. Thanks be to God!
~H.M.
But are we capable of looking farther ahead? What if we not only carried each other's burdens but also had a vision for their growth, desiring to see them transformed in Christ?
Hebrews 10:24-25 says "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
One thing I've been noticing in my own life is that I have a huge drive to try to control things. I want things to turn out a certain way. I have expectations for the way things should work out and when they don't happen just like I want, I fall apart, act hopeless, blame myself or others and repeat the whole worry cycle. I am so nearsighted. I see in black and white and only about two feet in front of myself. I need to understand that God's ways are above my ways, that he IS working all things out for the good of those who love him (Ro 8:28). I also need to let go of the feeling that I am responsible for the actions of others. Each man is responsible to God for their own actions; I have only to give an account for myself.
I'm constantly striving, straining and groaning - grabbing pieces of things and trying to put them together and fix them myself. The pain and consequence of sin in my life and the lives of others is real, but can I not also have hope and expect good things? As much as I agonize over brokenness, I should be equally looking for and longing for wholeness, the transforming power of redemption.
Isaiah 55:8-11
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
God is in the process of changing lives, softening hearts, transforming minds, and renewing souls. It is his job, not mine. And he WILL accomplish all that he desires. Thanks be to God!
~H.M.
January 23, 2009
A New Year and a tragically lost life.
I've been missing my blog and have been wanting to write for a while now. There have been quite a few times I almost sat down to it only to get distracted or having something come up. Many times I've thought of what I wanted to write about, etc, but never got to putting it down in words. It's been a hectic past couple of months. So many things going on in my life. I prefer to blog when my thoughts are collected, but as I don't know when that will happen, I might as well just get back to it.
I was so bent on going to law school, and yet still might, but feel as if that door has been gently closed for the moment. Another has opened, however, and I am planning on moving to Northern Virginia sometime this summer to enroll in a community college to get my paralegal degree. I will have a chance to figure out if I like law at all before committing myself to a large debt & at least 3 years of schooling, while getting a useful training for an actual profession (yay!).
I made it through Christmas and New Year's by just visiting random friends and family and trying to stay busy. I say it this way because since I wasn't with my immediate family which I am very close to it was more than a bit lonely. But I am so grateful to those who had me over and loved on me and shared their holiday cheer with me. I've been back in Blacksburg since the 3rd of January now, except for an extended weekend trip to visit my sister in NYC from which I returned 2 nights ago. After one full day back at work with a regular schedule and a real sense of normalcy and happiness comfortably permeating my life, something terrible happened once again at my alma mater.
This time, it wasn't just at my school, but at my place of work, and 3 co-workers were eye witnesses to a brutal murder of a young woman. I don't know how I'm supposed to process this. It still doesn't seem real. A part of my mind does the comparison thing saying, hey well this wasn't nearly as bad as 4/16, only one person has died, and you were not even acquainted with them! (My old french teacher was among those who lost their lives on that dark, very sad day in April 2007). Yet this was also a meticulously calculated affair, a brazen act of pure evil of horrific proportions. Every death is an ugly tragedy, and all life a beautiful miracle.
I used to work in the prep section behind the cafe and have even worked upfront in the cafe a number of times when we've been short-staffed. I can visualize it perfectly in my mind...I have horrible images in my mind, of things I haven't even seen but have only heard of. I don't want to think about it but can't help it. Another part of me has simply wanted to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. But that's not working very well either. It looks like once again the only route to take is right through the thick of it, pondering all the hard questions. But again? I realized this evening while I was lost in my thoughts that this is only one of many tragic incidences I've been acquainted with in my life. When I was a kid I never imagined knowing of such awful, unspeakable things by the age of 22.
In trying to sort through this, I am so heavy hearted for the girl's family and everyone directly affected by this murder. I'm trying to see past it, but it's just so dark. One thing is clear to me, that mankind in his sinful nature is completely depraved and twisted. We may not all kill, but we are all capable, and unchecked by the Holy Spirit, our wicked desires could give birth to any number of things. I am scared by sin and the stench of evil -that so many give free reign to sinful desires in their lives instead of falling at the feet of Jesus and begging for mercy. There is only one healer and one savior, one way and one truth. Every other path leads to destruction.
I will add to this as more comes to me, but for now I am going to sleep. Hooray for blessed sleep!
~H.M.
I was so bent on going to law school, and yet still might, but feel as if that door has been gently closed for the moment. Another has opened, however, and I am planning on moving to Northern Virginia sometime this summer to enroll in a community college to get my paralegal degree. I will have a chance to figure out if I like law at all before committing myself to a large debt & at least 3 years of schooling, while getting a useful training for an actual profession (yay!).
I made it through Christmas and New Year's by just visiting random friends and family and trying to stay busy. I say it this way because since I wasn't with my immediate family which I am very close to it was more than a bit lonely. But I am so grateful to those who had me over and loved on me and shared their holiday cheer with me. I've been back in Blacksburg since the 3rd of January now, except for an extended weekend trip to visit my sister in NYC from which I returned 2 nights ago. After one full day back at work with a regular schedule and a real sense of normalcy and happiness comfortably permeating my life, something terrible happened once again at my alma mater.
This time, it wasn't just at my school, but at my place of work, and 3 co-workers were eye witnesses to a brutal murder of a young woman. I don't know how I'm supposed to process this. It still doesn't seem real. A part of my mind does the comparison thing saying, hey well this wasn't nearly as bad as 4/16, only one person has died, and you were not even acquainted with them! (My old french teacher was among those who lost their lives on that dark, very sad day in April 2007). Yet this was also a meticulously calculated affair, a brazen act of pure evil of horrific proportions. Every death is an ugly tragedy, and all life a beautiful miracle.
I used to work in the prep section behind the cafe and have even worked upfront in the cafe a number of times when we've been short-staffed. I can visualize it perfectly in my mind...I have horrible images in my mind, of things I haven't even seen but have only heard of. I don't want to think about it but can't help it. Another part of me has simply wanted to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. But that's not working very well either. It looks like once again the only route to take is right through the thick of it, pondering all the hard questions. But again? I realized this evening while I was lost in my thoughts that this is only one of many tragic incidences I've been acquainted with in my life. When I was a kid I never imagined knowing of such awful, unspeakable things by the age of 22.
In trying to sort through this, I am so heavy hearted for the girl's family and everyone directly affected by this murder. I'm trying to see past it, but it's just so dark. One thing is clear to me, that mankind in his sinful nature is completely depraved and twisted. We may not all kill, but we are all capable, and unchecked by the Holy Spirit, our wicked desires could give birth to any number of things. I am scared by sin and the stench of evil -that so many give free reign to sinful desires in their lives instead of falling at the feet of Jesus and begging for mercy. There is only one healer and one savior, one way and one truth. Every other path leads to destruction.
I will add to this as more comes to me, but for now I am going to sleep. Hooray for blessed sleep!
~H.M.
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