September 02, 2006

Holler.

So its really late on a friday night and tomorrow is a big day...but yeah i'm still awake. Don't really know why except obviously i can't sleep. I guess life's been throwing me some curveballs lately, or at least i've been running right into them, but in any case I think I have too much on my plate right now. I've never been so good at dealing with things and sometimes I just wish everything would disappear. But like Pastor Krouscas asked at Church last sunday, do you really wish all your hardships would just go away? Paul endured many trials for the sake of the cross. Now, I am not comparing myself to Paul at all so let me get that straight first. For the trials I endure are mostly brought on by myself. But, there must be something to be learned from it all. Or some purpose. How utterly amazing that God can work everything for His glory, including the loads of idiot and careless things I seem to do from time to time. Whenever I get into a mess God is always there with a hanky for me. But doesn't He ever get tired of drying my tears? When am I supposed to grow-up and handle life in a mature, adult fashion?? And why I'm resorting to Xanga to type up horribly composed thoughts I don't know. I'm so sorry for any of you who read this far. I just needed a place to think in circles until it came out sort of straight.

I've been saying to myself over and over again "seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you..." I don't think I've been doing that lately. Somewhere along the line I through Jesus out of the driver's seat and said. Wait a minute, this is my show we are running here. Heather McMillan herself is going to take the wheel and let the world know how it's done. Well I must admit I've failed quite miserably and have been backsliding back into the pit I came from. It's amazing how people generally seem so nice to each other, as if they have it all together. No wonder I feel like such an insecure wreck next to them all. But it's all bogus because everyone has their weaknesses and shortcomings. We are all the same in that respect. Except for Jesus. Beautiful, amazing, perfect Jesus, who's sandals I'm not even fit to touch. It's time I started believing in the glorious love of God and His magnificient plan for his children. My soul has been lazy long enough. Now is the when I need to die daily to all my stupid, selfish, human wants and needs and suck it up and deal. Thank goodness that nothing is too much for God to forgive. Well I think I can almost fall asleep now so I'll stop this madness and get myself to bed. I had almost forgotten how satisfying it was to write about my ridiculous life to my sparse cyber audience. But on a more serious note, I do need prayer, I've realized that. I just don't know who to go to to come clean with it all. I'll ask God for that as I lay me down to sleep.

*peace*