Let me preface this note by saying that I've lately been really missing my writing days. I used to write a lot and read a lot. I used to journal all the time and write poems and short stories and read all sorts of novels. During college my writings have dwindled and recently seemed to have arrived at a grinding halt. But I love the written word, books still captivate me and many times I'll dream about the next time that I'll be able to snuggle in with a good book and forget the woes of this world until I've worn it cover to cover. Maybe this weekend! As far as writing goes, well I won't go so far as to say that I'm a gifted writer, because I don't believe this to be the case, but I know it plays an important part in my life and lies close to my heart. With time and practice, one can become fairly good at most things I believe. So I don't know if I'll even get around to writing another note past this one, but I hope that I can once again become good friends with my pen - so to speak - and not live out the rest of my life divorced from one of my first loves.
It is a Friday afternoon indeed. I imagine that as I write this a significant number of our college town are on their ways home, probably most are somewhere on the interstate headed east, to NOVA, that unofficial name for a city that so many hokies hail from. I'm sitting in my room with the sun shining gently through the window on an overcast day. I will be staying in town this weekend. For me, there isn't a place to call home that I could visit over break, besides the lovely townhome that I share with my dear friend. It will do, and I am actually content to be here. The week was very busy for me and I had a lot of schoolwork, but was full of good things that made it enjoyable. Sunday: cooking at a friends' house, Monday: a casual get together with an architect from Spain and pleasant debate in Spanish, Tuesday: dinner at D2 with friends, Wednesday: small group and bible reading to anchor my week, and a very nice homework party after my midterm Thursday. Who knew homework could be fun, right? Tonight I will probably go to the informal InterVarsity gathering thats going to be happening at the War Memorial Chapel. Truly a great week. The weekend/week ahead looks to be equally awesome. I must put in a little plug here for Ravi (Zacharias). Seriously people. Go and hear the guy! I'll put my reputation at stake in asserting that you won't regret it and that it will be a memorable occasion and hopefully very stimulating intellectually and emotionally.
Only a week ago around this time I found myself "resorting" to these Facebook notes as an attempt to save myself from other, more drastic measures. I was hurting and in a desperate plea for some solidarity I vented my bruised emotions and dark inclinations in a little note for all of the facebook world to see. I wasn't thinking clearly when I did this and wasn't being very considerate of others in the somewhat extreme statements I made. Two friends responded in their concern and I was deeply touched by that. I had thought that no one would even notice my note, much less read it. It dawned on me that in that moment of fury I had exposed a very personal part of myself, the intense, ugly and searing pain that my inner core was feeling, and I felt awkwardly vulnerable. Needless to say, I ended up deleting that post before a day had gone by.
I suppose that it is quite sad that people try so hard to cover up their brokenness and shame before others. We try to put on a happy face, reason that we are doing "ok" and play the game with everyone else. I'm not saying that this is always the case, but sometimes I guess I feel like I'm in a sea of masks, where people are hiding what they truly think or how they truly feel. A lot of people don't want to "burden" others with their problems. I don't know about you, but as for me, I can't recall a single time that I was bothered when a friend came out and told me about a struggle or a hurt they were going through. However, it is true that it will be a burden, knowing and worrying about another's pain, but it is a joy to help them carry it. When I am invited to help a friend carry his or her burden, I count it a priviledge, a moment where I actually feel that I am of worth. Why don't we share our burdens and cares more often? Why do I sometimes feel that I am carrying a suitcase, a large box, a bookpag, a purse, a duffel bag, and garmet bag and there is no one within a mile to help?
Now, I know that my friends are there for me, I love each and everyone of them. God has blessed me so much in this way. Yet I feel that we all hesitate to come clean and share things that are at the heart, our true feelings, our biggest, deepest hurts. We fear being vulnerable for many reasons. Judgement. Rejection. Ridicule. Shame. Ostracization. Irracional fears or founded? I have to ask myself, how prepared am I to hear truth from my friends, as shocking as it may be? I sometimes find in myself the tendency to want to think people into being these normal, simple, uncomplicated, close-to-perfect people and my life is easier believing that's how they are and that's how I should be. But it's a far cry from reality. Over the past months one thing that has been impressed on my mind is how real people's struggles are, how gravely they are affected on a daily basis, how sharp the arrows of the evil one, and how devastating the consequences of our sins.
Scripture says in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
Colossians 3:12-14 says: Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Why, even within "Christian" communities, is this love that casts out fear so frequently absent? How can this be remedied?
I must start with myself. A quick glance into my own heart and desires and I find that there is a slim allowance for compassion and concern for others. I have myself to worry about, why waste my time getting involved in someone else's problems? Why can I not be more generous in love, a place of refuge for the despairing?
My quest for genuineness and honesty is as real and painful as ever. I want to embark on a journey that leads me to set aside my own facades and find a way to gently encourage others to let their walls and "plastic smiles" crumble, as we learn to love each other as Christ loved.
James 5:16: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
What does it take for a community to embody these things - love and accountability? How can I do my part and where do I begin? These are questions that I hope to find answers for. What I know is that "Jesus takes the gloves off*,"when he encounters us in our sinful, depraved nature, He reaches out and touches us. He doesn't gawk or glance away or ignore our pain. Instead, He meets us in our brokenness and offers us a fresh start, a new and whole heart in Him. What a precious Savior we worship! What a wonderful, infinite, loving God!!
" Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
~ Jesus, John 14:27
* trademark by Scott Woller :)
