The past three and a half months of my time in Korea have resulted in being an unprecedented transformational period in my life which, Lord willing, will only continue. Sure, if you were to meet up with me today for a cup of coffee and we sat down to talk, you may not notice anything too different about me. But I can feel the difference.
I have not been sharing much in writing with anyone lately and I have only filled two pages of my personal journal since I arrived back in this country. The range of changes, emotions, trials, and blessings I've experienced have until now simply been too overwhelming to fully or even partially process. These things combined with the strenuous, exhausting nature of my long work schedule have swept me along in their rising tide. However, I'm slowly coming to a place where I'm beginning to feel my footing once more and I want to try to put down some of it in words.
For years I have felt as though I were just in a holding pattern, shifting about without an anchor, searching for love and meaning but coming up short everywhere I turned. I let feelings of failure from not achieving any sort of success in a career and the shame of public, messy heartbreaks nearly run my soul into the ground. Those of you who know my story well know that I've long regarded my sophomore year in high school as my darkest - a period of loneliness, bullying and self-loathing that frequently had me contemplating ending my life. However, God protected me from myself and brought me healing and restoration through His word and the kindness and love of other believers through the years.
Fast forward a decade or so and again I felt myself descending into darkness and despair following a devastating heartbreak and a particularly difficult and painful season at my workplace at the time. All hope seemed lost. I spent many nights weeping bitterly, hating myself and feeling absolutely wretched. Once more, I began to have more and more frequent thoughts of ending my life. It seemed the only viable solution to the constant pain that had overtaken my heart. Not only that but I was sure that I was a terrible Christian, because good Christians are full of joy in Christ and I believed I would be too if only I could whip myself into shape to pray and read the bible more. The stress of my job, the distress in my heart and worries about my finances had me eating a lot less and I lost 10 pounds in a matter of months, dropping down 2-3 clothing sizes.
In the midst of this continuing downward spiral, I suddenly became determined to return to Korea. There are many things that factored into my decision to return, but ultimately I felt a strong, undeniable call to take this step in faith. As I prepared to make the move, I felt as though I were holding on for dear life, my hope hanging by a splintering thread. Logically, I told myself that I was taking a job in Korea to become more financially stable and finally pay off my lingering college debt. A true aspiration and yet little did I know what else was in store for me.
As I shared with many before I left, I planned to return to a church in Seoul I'd been a part of before. However, when I arrived, the next membership class wasn't starting until October and there were no small groups I could join. Survival without fellowship seemed impossible so I set out to visit a different church I'd known about but had never attended on a Sunday. That is how I ended up at Onnuri English Ministry (OEM), a rather large congregation hosted by an even larger Korean church. I spent the first month of Sundays at this church crying softly though uncontrollably through nearly every service. During my weeks, I was experiencing some very difficult and painful circumstances at my new job and Sundays at church seemed to be my only respite. Some of these circumstances were akin to what I'd experienced back in my sophomore year of high school and never in my life had I felt so broken. Had God brought me to Korea to finally allow me to end my life? My days of struggling would be over and I would be so much happier in heaven with my heavenly Father, or so I thought.
God had other plans for me. I showed up at a membership class one Sunday and promptly became a member of OEM. A few weeks later, I joined a freshly formed newcomers' small group and started enjoying regular fellowship. Through the life-giving, gospel-centered preaching of my new pastor and the loving kindness of my brothers and sisters in Christ at OEM, I began to feel, for the first time in my adult life, deep healing and a profound restoration of hope. My gracious heavenly Father has laid to rest my anxious fears. The sword of His spirit has slain the lies I had long believed, spoken to me by the enemy of my soul. I am not a worthless, unlovable, fatally flawed nobody.
I am chosen, redeemed and forgiven. I have a glorious, imperishable hope in my Savior, Jesus Christ.
These days I am walking on uncharted ground. No longer do my feet tread down the well worn, familiar paths ending in despair, self-hatred and bitterness. Surely my life as a Christian on this earth is still a spiritual battle to be fought each day. But now I am fighting victoriously and my hope is secure.
I came to Korea expecting to just keep eking out my seemingly protracted, struggling existence. But thankfully God has much greater plans as he has used more suffering and the truth of His word to bring me to the freeing understanding that my life is in His hands. There is still much work to be done in my life, but it is God's power that will do the work and I can rest confidently in His assurance.
For “He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103:10 (ESV) Rather, “after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
What a great and mighty God we serve.
