There are just 18 days till Christmas. And yes I’m counting. But actually, I’ve been counting down the days since September. Really. Shortly after purchasing my plane ticket for Spain, I installed a desktop widget/gadget thing on my computer that is ticking down the days, hours, minutes and seconds until Christmas. Well, not Christmas exactly, but rather the approximate time of day that I will get to see my family and Jonathan again. Never before have I so eagerly and earnestly looked forward to a time of seeing loved ones.
Strangely enough, as the time remaining is quickly dwindling, I’m finding it even harder to patiently pass the time I’ve left to wait. Why am I so impatient? Why do I yearn for something so badly it almost feels like my heart is breaking? Where is my tough girl persona, the Miss Independent spirit who can stick out all things, weather all storms? Again, I can’t remember ever before craving so badly the company of loved ones. And yet as eager and excited as I am, I’m also feeling a twinge of dread, knowing that after a short and sweet jet lagged week I’ll have to pack myself off again for another two months back in Korea. It is really difficult to be alone in the world.
I understand that people move and lives change and things are never the same. I know that we often must make do with new circumstances and settle down in new environments. But why do so unless absolutely necessary? Why give up even a moment of time that can be spent with family and dear ones to do anything else? I’ve had to come to terms with some deep emotional feelings I’ve experienced since being here. In spite of living in a bustling city, I’ve been struggling with extreme feelings of loneliness. And while certain individuals from my church have really reached out to show me love, my efforts to plug into any sort of semi-permanent, consistent community have been in vain. I am rather starved for affection and for the companionship of people who know me intimately. To surmise, I will definitely, seriously deliberate very carefully before ever venturing off by my lonesome to the far ends of the world.
Undoubtedly, I will remain in this country up to the completion of my contract. And I will always hold tenderly my memories of my interactions with my dear little students. Indeed I will miss them greatly, and the pain of leaving them will be something fierce. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. But I am comforted in knowing that they belong to decent families who love and care for them and want to offer them the best opportunities at their disposal.
On a different note, this whole experience (of being far from any family and virtually alone) has for some reason gotten me thinking about orphans and their enormous need for love and acceptance. I am very fortunate to have a family to visit and spend time with and the means to reach them. At this moment, the number of orphans in the world is at a number roughly equal to half the population of the United States. Recognizing my own felt need to be loved and be in close relationship with others, I can’t help but feel deep compassion for all those little children who are much more alone in this world than I am.
