The in between time

So it just occured to me that in less than 2 months I should already be in Korea.

Wow. Yikes. I'm trying to get a feel for how long that is, and it's roughly how long I've been working as a secretary which doesn't feel very long at all. I bet those 2 months are going to fly right by.

Meanwhile, there's the waiting. Right now the ball's not in my court. I sent all my documents to Korea a while back. Now I am just waiting to get a visa issuance number so I can apply for my E2-visa at the Korean embassy. After an interview at the embassy, assuming I get my visa, all that will be left to do is buying a plane ticket. Important things remain to be done, yes, but it seems much simpler and straight forward than when I first started this process, staring up from the bottom of the mountain. Now I feel like I've gone over the top and am sliding back done to the finish line.

But really, just getting to Korea will only be the beginning. There is so much more to come. It's been so long since I was in the classroom teaching that I worry I've forgotten all that I picked up. I really hope that I can hit the ground running. I've never really been a teacher before. I will have very real and steady responsibilities. 8 to 9 hours of work each day, 5 days a week. I can't help but wonder if I'm truly up for the task. Well I aim to give it all I've got. I suppose that's the best a person can do anyhow.

For now I'm just doing my thing, working part-time, helping here and there. I plan on going through all of my belongings and downsizing as much as possible. I don't like the idea of hanging on to possessions that really aren't necessary and I'd hate to leave a bunch of useless things behind to have to deal with a year from now. But then there's things like the dolls I want to save for my children one day. Childhood keepsakes, shells from Venezuela, things that are worthless to others but have such intrinsic meaning for me. I will be keeping some things that's for sure!

Well that's enough for now. Just thinking about how things are going to change before too long. Big time. I'd better be ready!

Being sick on Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve. It is indeed a special time.

Unfortunately I am full-out, full-blown sick. Cold together with the works. I am so miserable. At night I have a hard time sleeping because it's all I can do to keep breathing and keep swallowing. I can't believe I'm getting my toosh kicked so bad with just a darn cold.

I wish I had energy to do anything. At least I made it to work everyday this week and managed to drive my granddad's truck up to Northern Virginia to spend Christmas with my immediate family. Yes, I worked from 9-noon today. First time in my life to work on Christmas Eve. But that's not the point. I don't think I started this post with a point in mind either.

I guess basically what I want to say is that in spite of being sick as a dog, I am still so thankful for this time of year where I am reminded of the wonder of my Savior's birth. How the Father lavished his love on me and called me to be His own. So much reason to rejoice! I will be rejoicing in my heart this season even though I'm slowed down, slightly incoherent and blowing my nose  and coughing every other second (Sorry for the tmi).

Jesus, I love you. Thank you so much for your sacrifice.

Now I will lay me down to rest and hope to find a couple, scattered hours of sleep. And a Merry Christmas Eve to all!

A Few of My Favorite Things

Just for fun. The Boundless Show definitely tops my list right now; the others are in no particular order.

1. The Boundless Show

2. Earl Grey Tea
3. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
4. Flickr
5. My trusty old Canon 20D
6. Peppermint Bark
7. Turner Classic Movies
8. Writing in notebooks
9. 22 inches of snow
10. Libraries full of books

Snowed In

I traveled up to Burke, VA for the weekend to see my good friend, Liz. It just so happened that my visit coincided with a huge snowstorm in the East Coast - possibly the most  snow I've ever seen in my life! So I have been happily snowed in with my parents and sister, playing games, watching movies, and drinking hot chocolate and eggnog. I did go out in the snow for a while today to "play" but finally got too cold and worn out because  my jeans got soaked and the snow was really deep. I have the same tired feeling I used to get after a day of swimming at the beach in Venezuela. So far we have 18 inches I think, and there are 6 more hours of snowfall left! I wonder if I'll be able to get out on the roads tomorrow to drive back home. Sure hope so because I have to get a week's worth of work done in 3 days in time for Christmas.

Here are a couple pictures from today:

Family History on my Mother's Side

My great aunt, Wilma Talent, and her husband have been visiting here at my grandparents for the weekend. I decided to snatch up the opportunity to ask some questions about my heritage and those that came before me. My great aunt was happy to oblige and it was a lot of fun filling a bunch of links in my family tree.

I was most fascinated to learn about my great-great-grandmother Mary Knakel (pronounced Ke-Nackel). I may have discovered where I get my love of languages from! Apparently she could speak and write at least 8 languages. Terrific! There's a polyglot in my family tree and I couldn't be prouder to have her blood. I think she led quite a romantic life, in both senses of the word. At one time she was living in a convent in Czechoslovakia where she grew up and almost took her vows to be a nun and belong forever to the church, but for some reason she decided not to. My guess is it had something to do with my great-great-grandfather, Karl Knakel. He left for America and told her that once he could provide for her he would send for her to come be with him. Eventually he found work as a shoemaker so Mary traveled to the U.S. to join him. They got married in Chicago and lived there for a while. Karl also did some carpentry and cabinet making. In 1901, my great-grandmother Pauline was born, the third of 5 children from that marriage.

Pauline was very fond of her father, but sadly he died of cancer when she was only 8. Soon after that, her mother remarried a man by the name of Charles Kus who was also a shoemaker. This was only the beginning of hard times for her. Not only did she resent his taking her father's place, but her stepfather brought his own brood of children to join the already crowded home of 6 making it a family of 13. From that point on, Pauline felt that they had invaded her home and were taking away what was hers. She used to talk about how she remembered her Mama staying up late to sew clothes but they were usually given to her stepbrothers and stepsisters. When she was 13, Pauline's stepfather took her out of school and forced her to work at one of the many cigarette factories located between Richmond and Petersburg (They had moved down from Chicago at some point). Apparently, in those times you could smell tobacco just by driving in to Richmond. Pauline never went back to school but she did love to read quite a bit, as my grandfather told me.

My great-grandmother Pauline's life took a seemingly turn for the better in 1919, when on December 20th, at the age of 18, she married my great-grandfather Raymond Good Sr. in Hollands Springs, Virginia. I'm sure she was thankful to get away from her crowded home. Raymond worked for a time in the coal mines of West Virginia, but then took his wife and two kids (my great aunt Wilma and her brother Grover) back to the Richmond area. Soon after my grandfather, Raymond Wayne Jr. was born.

Sending off documents for my VISA

FINALLY, I have all of my documents ready to send for my E2-VISA. The last things I was waiting on were the authentications/apostilles for my diploma and my criminal background check. I thought these things were going to go through much quicker. I'm glad now that I picked a start date at the end of February so that I have sufficient time to get everything ready. Let's see, after I send my documents to Korea, I think I have to do an interview at the Korean Consulate to actually get the VISA. Maybe there's an in between step that I'm forgetting. Well it will all work out I'm sure. I just keep praying and asking God to smooth the process along and help everything to come in on time!

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking but have been having a hard time disciplining myself to write any of it down. I do plan to do a lot of reading in the near future however. I finished Going Rogue a couple days ago (yes, I enjoyed it but I'm not going to be going all fanatical). Now I'm reading The Good Life by Chuck Colson and some Andrew Murray Books I have lying around. I am really enjoying Colson's book. It is extremely well written and reads like a dream. It's not an action-packed, thriller/pageturner, but it does have a way of drawing you in and sweeping you along. The book aims to discuss the purpose of life and how to live a life that matters. Really interesting stuff. I'm glad my aunt lent it to me.

Also, I've been helping out with the Pioneer Clubs at church. I am finally getting to know the girls in my group a bit better and this week I had the opportunity to lead their lesson by myself. It's been quite a while since the last time I taught a PG lesson. I think it was sometime in May before I left for Venezuela. In any case, I'm really thankful for a chance to help out even if it's just for a little while, but I have to admit it makes me miss my beautiful girls from last year. (I had the opportunity to help lead 7th-9th grade girls at my church in Blacksburg last year).

This weekend some guests are coming to stay at my grandparents so we have all been busy getting things cleaned up and orderly around here. I am realizing more everyday how much I love being busy and what a joy it is to have work to do. I hope to continue relishing the jobs I am given and work at them with all my might! Now I'm off to read about the "good life" before I drift off until another day.

*peace*

New Blog & different focus

I have decided to start a new blog: Out of the Mystery. My purpose is to be more focused and disciplined in what I write and to challenge myself a little more with the written, err, "typed" word. I will probably write about faith, politics, current events, and culture and how these all intertwine or collide.

I will maintain this blog, The Tides Change, but it will be used mostly as a place to share updates in my life. I am going to Korea everybody!! I hope some of you will follow along to see what that will be like!

Yes, if anyone was confused, I recently switched from hokieshutterbug.blogspot.com
to thetideschange.blogspot.com, but the content is the same...

p.s. It is still weird not using Facebook, but as the days pass I notice it's absence less and less...

Jumbled thought stream + upcoming weekend

I'm really tired and there are blurry spots before my eyes. I think I'm actually going to be in bed by 11 tonight. Hopefully even asleep. Going to Burke tomorrow then NYC on Saturday! And then back down on Sunday. I foresee a crazy, whirlwind weekend. One of my really good friends from college is getting married and I'm so very excited for him! It's a bit of a long shot to get up there but I knew for sure that I didn't want to miss it. I hope I can catch up with a lot of friends I haven't seen in a while! And hanging out with my dear friend Elise is going to be tres superb.

I've been so busy I've hardly been able to think straight. Got to keep myself from getting over-stressed. Anyways, peacing out here. Got to get some shut-eye. Not too much to share otherwise. Except that I'm trying to start a new blog with a more specific focus. I'm hoping it will be good writing practice and provide an outlet for some thoughts that seem to need a place of their own. Oh and I'm trying to learn more about editing html! It's really a lot of fun!

oh and P.S. I'm learning some lessons on patience and waiting, long-suffering and endurance. I want to learn to persevere.

~~~Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

observation + new job

I have found that it is rather difficult to waste time on the internet now that I'm not using facebook. I haven't logged in since last Friday! (1 week, 1 day and counting).

Yes, it does make me happy. I feel so free!!

I've spent 3 days of training/orientation to the church secretary job I've accepted. There are so many little responsibilities to keep track of! Well and a couple big ones too, such as answering the phone, preparing the Order of Worship (i.e. church bulletin) & announcements, updating the webpage, ordering supplies...and the list goes on. I just hope I can remember to do the most important things.

I like my new job and the people I'll be working with - senior pastor, associate pastor, financial secretary, school administrators, etc. Hopefully I'll get the swing of things soon so that I don't feel like my brain is going in a million places at once burning itself out trying to remember everything.

Right now I'm also getting adjusted to life here with my grandparents in general. New town, new responsibilities, new expectations put on me, etc. I really want this to be a good, productive, growing period. We shall see...

Answers to Prayer

My mom's surgery went really well. She is cheerful and holding up great. Also, the sentinel node biopsy performed during the surgery revealed that the cancer had not spread anywhere, which is a huge relief. Praise God!

Secondly, I accepted a job teaching English to kindergarten and elementary students at a private school in Daechi-dong Korea. Kids College is the name of the school. You can see some pics from their school by going here. It's all in Korean but pictures are pictures, right?

I should be starting February 25th, 2010. Not sure if that's the day I fly over, or if I will leave sooner.

All in all I'm really excited and can't wait to start. I wonder how quickly the months will go by until then.

Happenings/Changes

I've gotten into the habit of giving my life's updates on here as if there were 200 people out there waiting with bated breath to get them. Well, maybe there are. I don't know. In any case, it helps me straighten stuff out.

My Mom

Tomorrow my Mom is being operated on for breast cancer.

I don't really know what to think about it. I don't want to worry or make a big deal about it, but then there are always risks going into surgery and things could get complicated.

On the bright side, the type of cancer she has is classified as one of the least dangerous and they found it at a very early stage. Still, it makes me uneasy. I just hope that everything goes well and that she can keep up her good spirits like she's been doing so far. She's such a trooper and I'm so proud of her.

On another plus side, I will be making dinner tomorrow evening. I don't usually cook and tend to shy/shirk away from it but I really need to beef up that side of my "real-life resume" so I'm looking forward to that.

Moving

Again. I know! So the day after my mom's surgery I'll be moving down to live with my grandparents for the next 3 months or so. I'm taking a job as the secretary at their church while I wait to go to Korea. I'm going to miss spending lots of time with my parents. It's been really cool getting to reconnect after having spent so many years living apart from them.

I'm also going to miss the friends I have made here at Occoquan Bible Church. I got involved with their young adults group and really had a nice time with them. I'll definitely have to come back to visit a couple weekends.

Job Hunt in Korea

I'm talking with a couple recruiters to find a job. I'm now trying to get placed as near to Daechi-Dong, Seoul as possible since I found out that's where a friend of mine lives. Meanwhile I'm trying to gather the necessary documents for my E2-Visa. That has hit a couple bumps in the road, but I hope will wrap up before too long.

I'm listening to some Korean language lessons on audio and am trying to pick up some phrases & key words. So far it's a bit slow but I'm loving the excuse to learn another language. I was humbled in this new pursuit of mine today when I tried out a phrase on a native Korean and he had to do his best not to laugh at me and could hardly understand what I was saying. Oh well, I should just get used to that I suppose and keep trying!

Kicking the Facebook habit

I can hardly believe I'm doing this, but now that I have begun, I can't believe it took so long to get to this point.

Pretty much I'm cutting Facebook out of my life at least until next year. That sounds more dramatic than it really is. That's only 2 months. Still, I don't think I've ever gone longer than a week without logging into Facebook, if even that. And I have had an account since the fall of 2004. That was 5 years ago!! Facebook has become as natural as breathing, except I have found myself wasting hours and hours on the thing, and unlike oxygen, it has less possitive effects on my system. It kind of makes me sick just thinking about it. Yes, I have really enjoyed keeping in touch with some people and maybe reconnecting with long, lost friends, but has it been worth it when I look at how much time and energy I've wasted on it doing stupid things or mindlessly crawling over every public inch of the site? I really don't know.

Regardless, I decided one night out of the blue that I was going to do this and now I'm really excited about it. I'm already dreaming up plans for redeeming the time that it has thus far has been sucking out of me. I think the saddest part of it right now is that I honestly can't imagine life without being addicted to a social-networking site. How did people "network socially" in the past without the internet? It seems like they were doing a pretty good job of it to me.

Oh, and I'm also not going to be going on Flickr for that time either. I recently started getting on a whole lot more and realized I could look at other people's cool pictures forever. But that won't get me anywhere. So, Flickr had to go, too.

What's left? Email is definitely still happening, there is no getting around that one. But that's fine because I don't have a habit of obsessively checking it every hour of the day. And, of course, my blog. Sometimes it's my one piece of sanity I think. I will probably end up writing here a little more than usual to calm my jarred nerves suffering from Facebook deprivation (as I'm doing now).

Wish me luck! :b

Irony should be my middle name

Irony should be my middle name. It's true.

First off, teaching with EPIK (public schools in Korea) is a definite no-go. The matter got really complicated because I didn't study highschool in the U.S. They do not want to deal with the trouble and paperwork of verifying that the schools I attended were accredited, American international schools. So, short of fudging my papers and pretending I went to school in the U.S., this door is forever and permanently closed.

The worst of it is, I was just informed last night. The people processing my paperwork knew from the beginning about my schooling. It was brought up over the phone but they didn't mention their being any problem about it. Three weeks later I've wasted my time and those of the people who wrote recommendation letters for me only to find out it was all for naught. So I'm back at square zero in my ESL job hunt for the moment.

Secondly, I have been looking for a part-time job to keep me busy from now until I go overseas to teach ESL (assuming I ever find a position). Just a couple days ago a secretary position opened up and the job was pretty much mine if I said "yes." So not about to let a chance go by, I said "sure, great!". I've already spent some time at the office learning the ropes. Next day I get two job offers teaching ESL in the DC area. That, my friends, is the irony. Teaching ESL would be exactly the kind of practice I need. But I've already accepted the job as a secretary and I'll be moving down to Hopewell, VA shortly and leaving Burke.

Still, inspite of apparent ironies, I know there is a greater force at work.

First real job offer

I've interviewed with and have been offered a position by Kids College in Daechi-dong Seoul. The working conditions and benefits seem pretty typical for the average private school job in Korea, especially for teachers just starting out. They are offering me 2.3 million won a month for 120 hours of teaching.

What I don't know is if I should go ahead and accept this position or if I should wait and explore other options. The problem is, there currently aren't any other options. I am talking with a couple recruiters but I'm still in the initial stages with them and it could be a couple of weeks before I find something through them.

I think I'm a little hesitant because it is such a huge step. I also have my reservations about the trustworthiness of a school that is so far away. Which reminds me, I need to ask my recruiter to get me pictures of the school and housing. That should help me decide I suppose.

The other thing is that I don't know if I would be good with such little kids. I'll be teaching kids from ranging from age 5 to 10 roughly from 9 am - 6 pm each day. I'm going to have to have a ton of energy to keep up with them and stay on top of things. Maybe I can look at it like camp counseling, except I get to go home to my own place and actually get sleep at night. Now that I think about it that way, it seems pretty nice! I am really tempted to go ahead and say yes to this opportunity.

I'll be sure to update here once I decide.

Job hunt road block

Sooo, this Korea job-hunting thing is proving to be quite the headache with endless road blocks. Part of me wants to give up. I won't though.

Still, I am in a position where I need to regroup and re-strategize (I don't think that's a word). The recruiter I've been working with has left me feeling like a hacky sack. Up and down, up and down is the name of the game. It's really difficult communicating when there's a 13 hour time difference. I feel like our correspondence goes into a time machine and may or may not reach it's destination.

It's looking like the public school option is just not going to work. Apparently it matters that I didn't do my high school studies in the U.S. Also, I love (not) how I was told exactly how my letters of recommendation needed to be AFTER I had already requested them. Great timing folks. Come to find out, TEFL course instructor references are not valid and all letters have to be in jpeg or pdf format. Ok, all that makes sense, but why tell me now?? More than a week after I was told to request them and then did so?

I'm going to probably end up going the hagwon (private school) route. Bring it! It worries me a bit, because I've heard bad stories; but I've also heard good ones too. The game plan now is to lay low until I have all my documents ready, THEN apply for those jobs so I'm not caught in the middle waiting like a worm on a hook. So stressful.

I don't want to say anything bad about the recruiter I've been working with. It's not their fault that I have a complicated background and can't get reference letters. We just may not be a good fit. I'm tempted to check out Footprints Recruiting or Gone2Korea. Or WorkNPlay. I've heard them recommended as well. We shall see. I just needed to get this down and have my thoughts played out. For now I'm packing up my car and heading down to my grandparent's for a couple days.

At least there is this: I have a part-time job from November 9th until I leave for Korea!!! This, my friends, is good news :)

Part of the Equation

Do you ever feel like you could disappear and nothing would change?
Do you ever feel so insignificant and lowly that you wonder why you even try anything at all?

I do. Sometimes.

It's not a good place to be. It's kinda lonely and dreary. I think everyone has those days. But today is NOT one of those days for me. I had my cousins and aunt come to visit me. They cared to spend time with me, share some good laughs, and add to our treasure trove of memories. It is so wonderful to be loved. It warms your heart.

The evil one may tempt to despair, he may reach out his tentacles to wrap us in fear and doubt. When you listen to him you may think that you can be canceled out, disappeared, and no one would even notice.

But that is a lie.

2 Thessalonians 2:13: But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth.

Isaiah 42:6-7:
I am the LORD, I have called You in righteousness,
I will also hold You by the hand and watch over You,
And I will appoint You as a covenant to the people,
As a light to the nations,
To open blind eyes,
To bring out prisoners from the dungeon
And those who dwell in darkness from the prison.

Today, I know that I am part of the equation. I do matter. People care. God has chosen me. Believing His truths and promises is the best antidote to the temptation to despair.

Today, I want to persevere. I want to shine together with the great cloud of witnesses.

God is good.

Fingers Crossed

I am sitting, waiting, wishing for Reach to Teach Recruiting to get back with me after my preliminary interview on Sunday evening. Granted, that was technically Monday morning for them and they did say a couple of days. But now it's pushing 4 days since we spoke. I hope they haven't forgotten about me. At the same time, I wouldn't be able to set up an interview with EPIK (English Program in Korea) just yet because I haven't gotten my letters of recommendation yet. I have requested 2 but haven't heard back about them yet either.

So I'm waiting and waiting. What to do in the mean time? I'm trying to think of others that might be able to write a recommendation letter for me. I think I need to work on trusting God, that he is sovereign and in control of all these details. Still, I don't want to leave any rocks uncovered. I think mostly I don't want to get my hopes up again only to have them crushed. I'm not sure I could handle that very well.

My Love Affair with Abandoned Places

I've recently discovered that two sites of abandoned, decayed buildings have been or will soon be torn down. I had the most delicious time photographing these places and wandering about their premises. The first was an old boarding house on West Main St. in Salem, Virginia. It was demolished soon after I found it. The second, one of the best finds I have stumbled across yet, is also being torn down. I'm talking about the old burnt up, falling apart Skyline Parkway Motor Court in Waynesboro, Va. I understand these buildings are dangerous and eyesores, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that somehow this is a tragedy. I am glad that I was fortunate enough to catch these places before they were lost in oblivion. I know a lot of these places are well known by other photographers who have an equal penchant for this particular delicacy and have probably been captured for posterity. But I still feel quite an obligation to do my part in routing out these places and exploring them! For one, the old Mountain View Manor I stumbled across in Middleburgh, NY doesn't seem to have been captured and shared on the internet before. I'm sure real estate folks, or attorneys and government officials may have taken pictures for records sake, but it is highly unlikely those will surface for public enjoyment. That is why I am particularly pleased that I was given this gem of a place to briefly explore out of the blue over the summer. I hope to keep finding places like these in the future.

Here's the recently demolished house in Salem.


View from inside the Skyline Parkway Motor Court


Mountain View Manor


Thanks for reading friend! If you want to see more of my pictures, you can check out my photostream in the flickr box on the right.

Applying for ESL jobs

These days I'm getting geared up to apply for ESL positions in Korea. There's a whole slew of documents I need to collect for the job application and visa process. But for starters, I'm just trying to polish up my resume. Actually it's been completely overhauled - but that's a good thing. I'm planning on applying through Reach to Teach Recruiting because they seem pretty legit. I tried looking at schools' websites to contact them directly, but unfortunately most of them are in Korean. Who wudda thunk!

This is all pretty crazy and uncharted territory. Four months ago I had no idea I would be applying for ESL jobs in Korea! But I'm so glad to have a direction to head towards. Hopefully all this will work out and I can find a position to start teaching at by February.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still feeling a bit numb and calloused towards God, which is like being tied to a pole 2 feet from a drinking fountain on a blistering hot day. I'm trying to work through these things.

Oh Lord show me compassion and mercy. May your tenderness and love bind up that which has been torn asunder within me. I know this world has nothing for me. I will seek you first, Lord. You will hear my voice early in the morning and late in the night.

I need a change

So it finally hit me that I'm really neglecting this thing. And I don't like that, because I want to write and I like how writing makes me think. I think the primary reason I don't write a whole lot (besides being busy) is that I want what I write to be presentable. I want it to be cleaned up, not offensive to others and not careless in a way that could some how cast me in an unfavorable light.

The trouble with that is that I'm supressing a lot of thoughts and reactions to things. From now on I think I will start just saying what's on my mind. Probably shouldn't get me into trouble, but maybe it just might. Maybe it should push the envelope a bit. In a good way. I'm just a broken person with issues so obviously some things I come up with could could just be off. But not all things. If I'm serious about this God thing, and am pursuing his Kingdom, my life (not just this blog) should be saying some things that just might be offensive to some.

The extreme measures God went to to redeem us should push us to extreme measures for his sake. My life is desperately crying out for an overhaul of pretty much everything that is in me, minus my relationship with Christ. Maybe some of that will make its way here. I'm going to unpack it all. I need to be stripped down to the core. Please, holy fire, quicken your flames to this rotting pile of flesh. I want to be free.

a tiny speck

It's funny how a person can think they are going places, that they are getting out and seeing the world. Maybe they travel to another country, or even a different continent. But then if you take a step back and think of the earth in relation to the solar system and the sun, the trillions of galaxies and stars surrounding us, you realize one thing. We are so miniscule.

My God is one who created EVERYTHING. He is Lord over ALL creation. A master designer of all things beautiful and complex. What a wonderful God. I am so in awe of Him and can only long to humbly serve Him. What an honor to be used by Him! There can be no greater aspiration than to know God and bring Him glory.

Even though I am but the tiniest of specks and derived from the dust, I have the breath of God within me. I have been given life, an astounding opportunity to reflect my God and give back to my Creator.

Twilight

There is an elephant in the room.

What I mean is this, I feel distant from God. I don't like feeling this way at all. But as much as I try I can't seem to bridge the gap. As time goes on I feel more cold, as if my life were slowly fading away. Is there a cure for this sickness? My conscience tells me yes, repentance. This I have tried but it seems to be of no use. Does God just stay SILENT sometimes on purpose? Or is he speaking to me and I just can't hear him? I do not want to slide any farther but I can't seem to get my footing. There has been so much change in my life lately that I can hardly recognize a thing. I don't even recognize myself right now.

LADO TEFL certificate

This past friday was the final day for the TEFL certificate course I was taking. The practicum and theory are over but a sizable amount of work still remains to be done. In addition to a revision of my final lesson with assessment notes in a publishable format, I need to read 2 books, write a comprehensive final exam and complete a cultural profile for Taiwan (or whatever country I decide I want to go to). Former participants of the course said the final assigments that make up our "toolbox" could easily take a month to complete! I need to not lose any steam and keep a rigorous schedule going to get all my work done asap.

All in all, I think the course was really good. It definitely pushed me to the breaking point a couple of times, but I am so glad I didn't quit. It was something I needed to do. I think it has made me stronger and inclined me to be more proactive. Teaching is really quite rewarding when you see your students catch on to what's being taught and they get excited about learning and practicing English. I do think teaching is a good fit for me, at least with the meager 13 hours of experience I have had so far. Time might say otherwise, but only after a serious dedication to teaching for some time would I even think about turning to something else. Now the task at hand is to land that first teaching gig, wherever in the world that may be.

I've always wanted to travel extensively abroad, but now that I am facing a very good possibility of doing so I find myself holding back just a little bit. Maybe it's the uncertainty of going out into the world all by myself. I definitely always hoped I'd do some traveling once I found that special someone, but things are the way they are for a reason and I am determined to accept my circumstances as a gift. I am young, single, unattached and multilingual. It would seem that indeed the world is my oyster. Now I just need to the guts to step out on my own adventure.

Whirlwind Summer

All sense of normalcy left my life after I worked my last day at my old job May 13th.

A couple days later I packed up my car and drove to Hopewell, VA to store some belongings at my grandparents and also to be closer to the Richmond airport for my trip to Venezuela. May 19th I flew out sans my granddad, as he found out the previous day he could not travel, and arrived in Barcelona, Venezuela around 7 p.m. the same day. Over the next two weeks I helped with housework such as cleaning, cooking and laundering, drove my sister to school, visited with old friends, helped my parents pack up their lives and home, attended my sister's high school graduation and a church wedding in the same night, and had a nice long, eye-opening chat with a missionary couple.

June 2nd, I traveled from Barcelona to Miami with my mom, dad and sister as we all left Venezuela for good. (My parents have finished their 20-year stint as church planters/missionaries in Venezuela and are back in the U.S. for a yearlong furlough of sorts). After arriving in Miami, we rented a car and drove up to Perry, FL to stay with my other grandparents. We spent a week there trying to relax and process our departure from Venezuela and gear up for the remainder of the summer. The day we left we traveled by car to Columbia, SC. After one night we went to Myrtle Beach. The next day we drove to Hopewell, VA. The next day, June 11th, I left my family behind and drove up to Mercersburg, PA for a friend's bachelorette party. Two days later I was a bridesmaid in the wedding for the same friend. I left the same day as the wedding and tried to drive to Blacksburg but only made it as far as Staunton, where I stayed overnight with relatives. After arriving in Blacksburg after being gone for nearly a month, I alternated my time between Blacksburg and Hopewell spending time with family but also trying to experience a bit of Blacksburg summer. In Blacksburg I tried to make it to some Gravitate events (young adults group from my church), pioneer girls summer activities and most importantly work on packing up all my things and preparing to vacate my apartment.

July 13th I finally moved out of my apartment. I spent most of the following week at the Young's home, where they very graciously let me stay in their basement and come and go as I needed. It was a huge blessing to feel so much at home and have my own space in the middle of all the other going ons. Saturday my brother got married, and oh my, what a special day!!! I spent Friday and Saturday night at a hotel with my folks and extended relatives before heading back to Hopewell, VA (my grandparents' place). Monday my parents, sister and I headed up to Burke, VA to get acquainted with my parents' new apartment and then the following day, July 21st, my sister and I took off for New York. We spent a week at my grandparents cottage getting it ready for them to move in but we also goofed off and spent some great time together reminding each other daily that we were "on vacation"! This past Tuesday, July 28th, we drove over to Massachusetts to visit cousins near Springfield. The next day we drove all the way back down to Hopewell which ended up taking over 13 hours. Arriving completely exhausted at 2:30 am we crashed in our clothes and left everything in the car.

It is now 5:36 am Friday morning and I'm awake, still unable to get my body back on a proper sleeping schedule. Maybe I should stay up all day, which they say is the way to cure jet lag.

For a quick recap, because everything I wrote above is way too long and detailed, I have traveled between all the following places in the past 2 months: Blacksburg, Hopewell, Richmond, Atlanta, Miami, Barcelona (Venezuela), Miami, Perry Fl, Columbia SC, Myrtle Beach, Hopewell, Mercersburg PA, Staunton, Blacksburg, Hopewell, Blacksburg, Hopewell, Blacksburg, Hopewell, Burke, Broadalbin NY, Springfield MA then Hopewell (crossing through these states at some point - Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, & Maryland).

I think it's a bit much. Perhaps. I'm starting to feel like a rockstar! (not really).

So is that all? Am I done? Not quite. Tomorrow I'm going back up to Burke because my parents will be back from their trip to Wheaton, IL. But I'll be staying there for at least a whole month while I take my TEFL course with LADO International.

Ben getting married

My brother is tying the knot in three days! I can hardly believe it. I've known it was coming for a long time now but still I can hardly wrap my mind around it. I don't think it's supposed to be that big of a deal, and I mean, people get married all the time, right? Well for some reason I've gotten sort of emotional thinking about it, with a pretty big dose of nostalgia in there, too. In a good way though, I suppose. I just remember playing as kids and all the fun we had. We weren't always each other's most favorite person, but we definitely had our moments. Ben has been such a wonderful brother through the years and has taken good care of me. Through childhood, adolescence, boarding school and college, Ben has been there for me. He's one of my very best friends. Sheesh I sound like I'm writing a eulogy. I keep telling myself "he's still going to be around!" Well yes and no, because I'm leaving Blacksburg for good now and he's entering the family man stage of life so I don't exactly fit in anymore. But that's alright, really. I'm so very happy to be a part of his big day and it's been fun watching him fall in love and teasing him the whole way through! Plus, I'm getting a new sister out of the deal so it can't be all that bad. (jk Hannah in case you read this I really do love you!).

Anyways, I got a little sentimental and wound up with this:

A bit of this, a bit of that.

As I was getting ready to write here I got a random song stuck in my head - "New way to be human" by Switchfoot. Ok, that's an old song. How does that even happen? Minds are so weird sometimes.

Anyways, These past couple of days have been great as excitement has been building up in me about the next phase of life I'm headed for. As of monday I will be homeless and I'm currently unemployed and have a college debt to pay BUT I couldn't care less. There are awesome things in store for my future and I can't wait to see what they are. I don't want to let any more life pass me by. I want to live it to the full, every moment of every day.

God is so good and takes wonderful care of his children!

One more thing, my mom and I were accepted into the TESOL course at LADO International! From August 3 until August 28 I will be extremely busy taking classes 9:00 - 6:00 everyday but I am seriously looking forward to it.

For more info on the course, check out their site: LADO certificate course.

A vision, materializing?

After being tossed to and fro for what seems like over a year, I'm again settling on another idea. I have had so many dreams and hopes, but pursuing them has never brought anything to fruition - except perhaps learning a bit more about myself and the way God wishes me to live my life. I hesitate to mention this new idea because it always seems like once I share and voice my interests, I watch everything crumble into dust and have to explain to everyone what happened. Still, I'm too excited to not say anything.

So what is it now, you may ask. In my previous post I recounted my discussion with a missionary couple from Venezuela. That talk has turned me in the direction of teaching the english language, both as a way to support myself, but also a means to reach people for Christ. I've been trying to devise a plan to get training, pay off college debt, join a sending agency and just take care of all the other things that stand between now and my being able to serve overseas. I was originally thinking of heading back to Venezuela to join a team training Venezuelan missionaries. I'm not ruling this out, but for some reason after hours and hours of research about TESOL, I have become particularly interested in Thailand. Not only would it be a fascinating country to get certified in and teach, but the population is considered to be only 0.7 % Christian. There is a huge need here for the spread of the gospel and other kinds of work. I'm just getting started on this path but more than ever I am very determined to see this through!

Still, before I make any "permanent" decisions, I need to wait before God for his leading and confirmation. Much prayer is needed!

Here is a link for the TESOL certificate program in Bangkok.
http://www.auathailand.org/sit/index.html

Direction, once more!

I am too tired to go into too many details, but seeing as I left my journal in the U.S. to save space in my suitcase, I wanted to write some of these things down and record my feelings, thoughts to maybe copy later into my other journal. I am very tired.

But anyways two days ago I heard back from a camp that I had applied to for a year-long internship. They sent me two lines letting me know they weren't going to hire me and told me they were going to proceed with other applicants who were "more suited to their needs". I was pretty sad about the whole thing because I had really wanted it and sensed God was maybe leading me in that direction. But realizing that crying about it wasn't going to change a thing, I decided to just move on, look up, look forward and not worry about it.

Two days later I am amazed at all that has taken place. I'm only down here in Venezuela for two short weeks just to help my family move and go to my sister's graduation, (or so I thought) but clearly God has his own plans. Today I spent several hours talking with a missionary couple down here. My family has known them for what seems like forever. My parents met the wife on their first visit to Venezuela before they even went to language school in Costa Rica. I was probably 2 at the time. It really is a whole long story. But the point of the story is, they were sharing with me the vision they have for the work they are doing here in Venezuela. The passion and excitement they have is contagious. As they shared about where God was leading them and the specific needs they had I got more and more interested. They essentially are trying to put a system/program in place to train up Venezuelan missionaries to send to the 10/40 window. I can go into more details about that later...it's so very exciting and brilliant!

I am nearly ready to fall asleep, but just want to say that in a year or so I may find myself returning to Venezuela to join their team. (I'm inserting this comment here to say that since I first wrote this I have realized it will most likely be several years as I need to get different types of training and pay off my college debt). There are many many other things that seem to line up perfectly with how I have sensed God leading me and the training and skills I have acquired up to this point. Direction, purpose - something to aim for, what a wonderful, joyous blessing! But as always, this will only happen if it is the Lord's will. So now is the time to pray and seek out his leading. Still, if signposts continue to be as clear as the conversation today...I won't need much more convincing!

Cool Factor.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to say my Dad is a 10 when it comes to coolness :)

Check this out:

Photoshop fun

I've had a lot of time on my hands since Wednesday was my last day of work so I've taken a break from packing and whatnot to play around in Photoshop. I'll share some of the pictures here.

Also, at the senior's Grad Bash yesterday I ran into two guys that have worked at Horn Creek through VT's Cru Chapter! It was pretty cool hearing them talk about it and how amazing of an experience they had. Still hoping I get picked!


Abby fall festival '07



MAE @ VT for Grad Bash





Best MAE fan

Waiting, still waiting - but with such hope!

I am waiting to hear back from Horn Creek about whether or not they will offer me a position as an intern. Waiting is so hard, but I'm doing my best. I know God is good. He will catch me whenever I fall and he is a solid rock that will not wash away. Waiting on God is a winwin situation because he never fails! The exciting part is that I can expect good things from him and can also be confidant that I will receive them! Even if at first I may not understand my circumstances, time reveals the careful, perfect craftmanship of a heavenly Father who loves me dearly.

This quote is phenom. "We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."
~ Chuck Swindoll. Got to remember that.

In view of these things, if I am not offered a position at Horn Creek, surely there is something else. Regardless of what goes down in the next couple of weeks, I am thrilled to find myself being realigned with the core of who I am, who I was created to be. God wants for me to do those things he himself has given me a desire for, that which I am overwhelmed with a passion for.

A little over a year ago I was staring down at shattered pieces of my life. Here's a post describing my feelings at the time. Today I am whole, looking up and forward, something I hardly imagined I would do once again. I have joy and I have desire and I have determination. I am blessed in excess. Thank you dear Father, for your tender mercies!

All I once held dear

I've had no words of my own lately to express my thoughts or feelings. This song by Graham Kendrick tonight says it best.

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know you in your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die

Deux ans après

taken 4.17.07

Jocelyne, je me souviens de toi. Je ne t'oublierai jamais.
Merci pour la façon dont tu as touché ma vie.

Consider the birds of the air

Today I had to take my car to get an assortment of work done on it and since I had to leave it overnight I decided to just walk home from the shop. I had many things to sort out, so many questions and so many frustrations. The first two thirds of the way back I struggled and wrestled and poured my heart out to God: my consternation over not understanding where I'm at or where I'm headed, the stream of seemingly endless possibilities barraging at me from all sides to the point of utter bewilderment.

Whatever happened to me during college, one aspect of it could be described as putting me in a box with a whole bunch of other random objects, shaking it all up and then tossing everything back out hoping I'd land on my feet. A huge part of me is introspective. I feast on my surroundings, take them in and then mull over them for what seems like centuries before coming to an understanding of them by a rather circuitous route. Even so, I guess I simply haven't sufficiently processed all that has happened in me and around me over the past 5 years. And so I marched, like a soldier in formation, overworking my already tired self with fierce mental exercises that tried to map out the future for me then and there. I took out the old, full list of careers and paths I've thought of pursuing at one point or another. Each one was thrown onto the drawing board for critique and red ink, and not a one stood out as a winner. Somehow I managed to cross streets and dodge cars while deep in thought.

Finally exhausted and nearly in tears I stopped for a moment to touch a branch of a weeping Alaskan cedar (yes I looked it up later). The long, drooping boughs looked soft and gentle, yet as I ran my finger over the branch I felt the gentle pricks of the little needles. I stayed, arrested in that spot and breathed in the air. It was cool and damp, filled with the smell of spring rain, fresh grass and new growth. I started thinking about birds and flowers, and how they have no cares or worries. They do not sow nor reap, yet they are provided for abundantly. I decided to stop calculating feverishly and soak in God's beauty. In a little patch of forest adjacent to the Holiday Inn parking lot right off Prices Fork I stood and looked up at the tall, quiet trees. They were housing a scampering squirrel and a handful of birds. I watched a blue jay with a scrap of white fabric in her beak as she tried to fray and tear it on the branch beneath her. The squirrel caught my eye with his frenzy of movement and I realized he was trying to dry himself out after the rain! After rubbing himself down all over with his tail just like a bath towel, he would wring it out like a propeller behind him to dry it out and start over again. The most curious thing!

In that small haven of peace I thought of the Secret Garden and renewed my desire to one day have my own quiet retreat, decked out in the splendor of creation. Wonderful, isn't it, that God is our place of refreshment whenever we need it, all day long? I wondered about my life and how it could be akin to a garden and a quote from Dag Hammarskjöld came to mind (second Secretary General of the United Nations). "He who wants to keep his garden tidy does not reserve a plot for weeds." I mused on this and it occurred to me that maybe I've been doing too much of this. In my attempts to keep myself unsullied from the things of this world, perhaps I have poured too much pesticide and weedkiller all over my garden so that not even flowers can grow. I am nearly too afraid to be in this world, even though all the while I know I am not of it. By no means am I to invite fleshly things to take root in my garden, but I must keep the soil healthy, nuture and tend the good things so that they may grow strong and beautiful. I feel as if I have uprooted all my roses with the thistles and am facing a now desolate sight.

Jesus said, "My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

My heart has been so very, very troubled. In this, one more thing, my faith seems to be failing. However, these past couple of days I have been reading through Deuteronomy. God repeatedly tells Israel that he will go before them, leading them into the land that he has promised them, a land flowing with milk and honey. I think I am ready to go in and possess my portion of the inheritance.

Lord, give me eyes to see across the Jordan, into the land that you have given me.

So We Crossed the Valley

Quote for the day:

"If by doing some work which the undiscerning consider 'not spiritual work' I can best help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I crave, when in truth it is the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of Calvary love."
~ Amy Carmichael


(Photo taken at Glen Alton, Va)

Reflections from Deuteronomy Chapters 1&2

First - Most obvious to me is the fact that God works on our behalf. He has planned and ordained our futures and has given us directions for following his plans. (1:8, 30&31).

"The Lord has been with you, and you have not lacked anything." (2:7).

Second - We falter when we become afraid of seeming odds against us, the giant obstacles in front of us. Instead of trusting a God who has already shown himself faithful (1:32), we get discouraged and turn back, refusing to obey God's commands.

Third - God is in no hurry. He will let us "wander in the wilderness" as long as it takes for us to be purged of disbelief and disobedience (1:40). Verse 45 is especially sobering to me:

"You came back and wept before the Lord, but he paid no attention to your weeping and turned a deaf ear to you."

If I am whining and complaining to God about my dissatisfaction with my circumstances and he seems quite aloof, maybe it's because he is not going to cater to me being a crybaby in the face of his discipline. The sooner I confess my wrong doing and humbly repent, the sooner we can get on to the next step.

Fourth - We will not be left to wander the wilderness forever, and must be ready and willing to take the next step of faith as soon as it presents itself.

"Then the Lord said to me, 'You have made your way around this hill country long enough; now turn north.'" (2:3)

[Aside, I can't help but draw connections between this and my own life: Is it time to leave this hill country of Blacksburg and head to Northern Virginia?]

Fifth - We will be given commands that must be obeyed even though they don't seem like an end in and of themselves. We can't hold back simply because we do not understand the full purpose of that which is asked of us. For example, verse 2:13:

"And the Lord said, 'Now get up and cross the Zered Valley.'
So we crossed the valley."

Thirty eight years had already gone by, since the disobedience of Israel sent them into the desert, and they were now getting so close. Yet this was just one more step to be taken BEFORE being led into the promised land.

My God is one who has gone ahead of me in my journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for me to camp and to show me the way I should go (1:33).

Will I follow him across the valley?

In the open

I can't exactly put my finger on what this feeling is but in a way I feel overexposed. I have been a lot of situations this year that we outside my comfort zone which resulted in the comfort zone redefining itself so I'm sure its much larger now. But I feel stretched out and very vulnerable for some reason so I have a very strong urge to retreat into a safe hole somewhere far away and out of sight.

~~

I started following the Sovereign Grace Ministries blog and like what C.J. Mahaney said today:

No matter how much planning, scheduling, and discipline is present in my life, I will never completely redeem the time. I am a finite creature, limited in what I can accomplish, and further limited by my sin. So it should surprise nobody that I leave to-dos undone each and every day.

My joy is not derived from the flawless execution of my goals. My joy each day is derived from the person and work of Jesus Christ on the cross.

Only God gets his to-do list done each day. I need the cross of Christ each day.

Faith

So I'm entering a transition phase again and am trying to figure out what I should be doing with my life and in what direction I'm headed. I keep trying to find out ahead of time what's going to happen. When will I learn that I will never get to tell my own fortune? I need to spend more time obeying the revealed will of God in the Bible and less time trying to figure out how he is going to accomplish specific things in my life in the future. In the words of Oswald Chambers, "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading."

Why can't I just do that? Have faith. God is truly good. I have heard story upon story of God's incredible faithfulness in the lives of others who trusted him above all things. I have seen him work faithfully in my own life and the life of my family. I need to quit trying to push God around and just STOP and be STILL and know that He is GOD (not me). The God who was faithful to Abraham, Joseph, Ruth, David and Paul - that is my God! The God who has been faithful to Helen Roseveare, Corrie Ten Boom, Brother Andrew, and Arthur & Wilda Mathews - that is my God! How wavery and sickly is my faith. I need to whip it into shape! But even if my faith is no bigger than a mustard seed, God will still, always and forever, be faithful to me.

Selah.

And may I add that this statement from Eugene Peterson seems to be spot on: "The early stages of Christian belief are not infrequently marked with miraculous signs and exhilarations of spirit. But as discipleship continues the sensible comforts (those that depend on our physical senses) gradually disappear, for God does not want us neurotically dependent upon him, but willingly trustful in him. And so he weans us."

~H.M.

The One I desire

I've been either sick, traveling or too busy lately to have a chance to write here but I've had a lot of thoughts about things and have really been wanting to write. I jotted down some stuff on some receipt paper while I was cashiering the other day and thought I'd put it up here. (Thoughts directed towards God). It needs more polishing/shaping but since I don't have time for that...here goes:

When night falls I realize that all day long I have desired you.
The mystery of it all draws my heart time after time.
I spend my day searching for what I do not know.
Nothing else fills me.
I am left aching and gasping for breath,
By the things of this world so empty, so cheap.
I want to lay motionless on the floor until you move me.
Hurting and confused, I have no where else to turn.
I feel let down and alone yet you care to be there.
How long will I wait for you to come?
Come quickly and do not let me faint while I wait.

My legs grow weary as I'm always running to you.
But I will not relent this pursuit of you
Until I am surrounded by your splendor forever and ever.
Then I will rejoice in your constant presence, glorious!

I need you desperately, every hour of every day.
Won't you come and be with me now?
When my spirit recognizes your presence
I want to freeze the moment to forever dwell near you.
Like eye contact with a stranger that stirs something inside -
Except you know me more deeply than does anyone else!
I had been trading pieces of me for vanity and chains.
But now you have given me yourself
While taking all of me.
I was not lost forever, but you found me.
A love song everlasting is what I wish to sing!

~H.M.

LOST fanatic

I came across a foto of myself somewhere in the Venezuelan jungle and decided I needed to make it look like a LOST poster. This included removing my brother from the picture because he's bending over and it's hard to tell what he's doing exactly. I'm posting the finished product because I just had too much fun with it. Enjoy!

(If you decide to click on the image hit ctrl + to enlarge)




















~H.M.

In Earnest

I should be getting ready for the Pioneer Girls' Father/Daughter banquet that's happening in 40 minutes but there are many things weighing on my heart. Everyday I try my best to have a cheerful heart the whole way through, but there is so much crashing down all around that threatens to destroy that joy and leaves me inwardly grieving. Yet, it's not so much about myself. I used to really get down when I felt lonely and neglected - and I'm not going to lie, the temptation is still there. But even more so it's the brokenness, anger, hate and resentment that is displayed all around that brings me crying out to God in desperation. This world really is a bitter, twisted place and I'm so thankful that my true home is in heaven! I've tried to deaden my sensitivity because I hate getting all beat up about things, but still I care so much. And how utterly draining it is to love others day in and day out with all that I have and often feel nothing in return. I can't even begin to imagine the rejection suffered by my beautiful Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Abba Father, give me strength to go on! Without his daily influx of love and without the steadfastness of his Spirit, I would very nearly give up completely.

~H.M.

A different perspective

Tonight I was spending some time with a good friend and a certain part of our conversation really stood out to me so I'd like to write about it and think through it some more. We were discussing community, it's brokenness and the need for growth. As of late, I've been anxious for different friends as I've watched them struggle through things. I tend to just get upset and notice all the issues going on and think about how sad it is. Communities are not indestructible, especially with the devil prowling around looking to devour. So we see our problems and try to fix them. In the words of my friend, we perform maintenance jobs on ourselves so that we can keep going, but nothing more.

But are we capable of looking farther ahead? What if we not only carried each other's burdens but also had a vision for their growth, desiring to see them transformed in Christ?

Hebrews 10:24-25 says "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

One thing I've been noticing in my own life is that I have a huge drive to try to control things. I want things to turn out a certain way. I have expectations for the way things should work out and when they don't happen just like I want, I fall apart, act hopeless, blame myself or others and repeat the whole worry cycle. I am so nearsighted. I see in black and white and only about two feet in front of myself. I need to understand that God's ways are above my ways, that he IS working all things out for the good of those who love him (Ro 8:28). I also need to let go of the feeling that I am responsible for the actions of others. Each man is responsible to God for their own actions; I have only to give an account for myself.

I'm constantly striving, straining and groaning - grabbing pieces of things and trying to put them together and fix them myself. The pain and consequence of sin in my life and the lives of others is real, but can I not also have hope and expect good things? As much as I agonize over brokenness, I should be equally looking for and longing for wholeness, the transforming power of redemption.

Isaiah 55:8-11

⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

God is in the process of changing lives, softening hearts, transforming minds, and renewing souls. It is his job, not mine. And he WILL accomplish all that he desires. Thanks be to God!

~H.M.

A New Year and a tragically lost life.

I've been missing my blog and have been wanting to write for a while now. There have been quite a few times I almost sat down to it only to get distracted or having something come up. Many times I've thought of what I wanted to write about, etc, but never got to putting it down in words. It's been a hectic past couple of months. So many things going on in my life. I prefer to blog when my thoughts are collected, but as I don't know when that will happen, I might as well just get back to it.

I was so bent on going to law school, and yet still might, but feel as if that door has been gently closed for the moment. Another has opened, however, and I am planning on moving to Northern Virginia sometime this summer to enroll in a community college to get my paralegal degree. I will have a chance to figure out if I like law at all before committing myself to a large debt & at least 3 years of schooling, while getting a useful training for an actual profession (yay!).

I made it through Christmas and New Year's by just visiting random friends and family and trying to stay busy. I say it this way because since I wasn't with my immediate family which I am very close to it was more than a bit lonely. But I am so grateful to those who had me over and loved on me and shared their holiday cheer with me. I've been back in Blacksburg since the 3rd of January now, except for an extended weekend trip to visit my sister in NYC from which I returned 2 nights ago. After one full day back at work with a regular schedule and a real sense of normalcy and happiness comfortably permeating my life, something terrible happened once again at my alma mater.

This time, it wasn't just at my school, but at my place of work, and 3 co-workers were eye witnesses to a brutal murder of a young woman. I don't know how I'm supposed to process this. It still doesn't seem real. A part of my mind does the comparison thing saying, hey well this wasn't nearly as bad as 4/16, only one person has died, and you were not even acquainted with them! (My old french teacher was among those who lost their lives on that dark, very sad day in April 2007). Yet this was also a meticulously calculated affair, a brazen act of pure evil of horrific proportions. Every death is an ugly tragedy, and all life a beautiful miracle.

I used to work in the prep section behind the cafe and have even worked upfront in the cafe a number of times when we've been short-staffed. I can visualize it perfectly in my mind...I have horrible images in my mind, of things I haven't even seen but have only heard of. I don't want to think about it but can't help it. Another part of me has simply wanted to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. But that's not working very well either. It looks like once again the only route to take is right through the thick of it, pondering all the hard questions. But again? I realized this evening while I was lost in my thoughts that this is only one of many tragic incidences I've been acquainted with in my life. When I was a kid I never imagined knowing of such awful, unspeakable things by the age of 22.

In trying to sort through this, I am so heavy hearted for the girl's family and everyone directly affected by this murder. I'm trying to see past it, but it's just so dark. One thing is clear to me, that mankind in his sinful nature is completely depraved and twisted. We may not all kill, but we are all capable, and unchecked by the Holy Spirit, our wicked desires could give birth to any number of things. I am scared by sin and the stench of evil -that so many give free reign to sinful desires in their lives instead of falling at the feet of Jesus and begging for mercy. There is only one healer and one savior, one way and one truth. Every other path leads to destruction.

I will add to this as more comes to me, but for now I am going to sleep. Hooray for blessed sleep!

~H.M.