procrastinating

Who am I kidding? I really don't do my homework. At all. I never EVER read for class. What has gotten into me? What happened? Where did every little single ounce of motivation go? I have no clue... But I will say this. These past couple of days I have felt more and more at peace. And that's probably because I'm spending more time in the word. I feel so utterly and completely lost when it comes to what direction I'm headed in beyond graduation (even next semester!) I'm one of those people who just doesn't know what to do with their life, never has really had a big dream to follow, or at least a feasible dream. Wait I think dreams aren't supposed to be feasible. Or are they? Idk. Well anyhow yeah ... motivation...where the heck did it go? I wish I were inspired to do my homework but I'm just not. I wonder if it's just that I'm really lazy. If so, how do you change that? Somehow I'm holding out As and maybe a B+ somewhere in my classes, but I feel like I'm barely getting by. I just wish classes would come to life and suck me into them and just be totally engrossing and something I feel is worthwhile. But if u can skip class and not really miss ANYTHING important, it kinda makes you wonder what exactly it is you are paying for when you go to college. Maybe it's the food...

Well so I really don't do homework until I absolutely have to and I don't ever feel like I'm doing something thats good and certainly never great. Whatever is happening needs to stop if I'm ever going to make it through the next year and a half of college. I've been looking at the ratings for the professors I have next semester and they don't look so bright... But wow, a year and a half left... That means already 2 and half years done! I'm more than halfway through!! I never even imagined getting this far...seemed so far away. But then these past two years have seemed forever long...I'll definitely be glad to be done with college I think. Ok enough boring talk about college and how I'm not particularly enjoying it. I will say this, college is a blessing because its one big endurance test...and just by going through with it you are persevering and maturing and learning. I may not feel like I've learned anything but I know I have. I've learned lots of life lessons. Like how NOT to go about dating someone. Yeah some lessons hurt and the pain doesn't subside for a while, but like I tell my sister and many wise people have said "time is the best healer". It's true it works!! Actually God is the best healer, but I definitely think he employs time in the healing process. I haven't written a poem in forever. I suppose that's something everyone should be thankful for (haha jk). I guess I'll try to write one. Writing always used to get me inspired in the past. Perhaps my neglecting it is why I've been so slack lately.

The heart of a person, where the soul abides,
is a very busy place indeed....and yeah i think that's all the "poem" writing im gonna do. hardy har harrr

*peace out*

Living in a broken world

When I got back from yet another World Regions movie last night, I realized that things are stirring in my heart. Some films are great at creating/maintaining an awareness of injustice. City of God, Moolaadé, Hotel Rwanda, The Interpreter, Azucar Amarga, Maria Full of Grace, Rabbit Proof Fence, The Constant Gardener, and Lost Boys of Sudan are just some of them. There is so much injustice in this world. I grew up seeing a lot of it with my own eyes. I've seen the despair of poverty, the chilling snub of racism, abandoment, shame, orphans, AIDS. But I never had to suffer myself. I am so blessed. Blessed beyond reason. Why me? I can’t get over the genocides, the apartheids, the Tasmanian extinction, the horrible treatment of our Native Americans, the slavery of our colonial times. The slavery of today. The child prostitution and human trafficking. The daily struggle just to eat. So many people in this world fight to survive every day and just live a simple existence free from oppression. I can’t allow myself to forget, to move on, to live in a reality above all this. I can never forget what I’ve seen, how the friends of my childhood live, with so little comforts. The children with their big eyes in their upturned faces reaching towards you. Reaching towards a cheap plastic toy as if they were reaching for the Hope diamond. Reaching for love, a piece of bread. Happy gleeful giggling and dancing about after receiving the smallest of gifts. I cannot forget. I will not. Though I’m surrounded by luxury and opportunities and experience these for myself, I will not accept it as the norm. I will try to make the most of my education. Once I have this I shall do what I can to give back to those who do not have. Whatever it takes, whatever is asked of me. I do not care. All I have is nothing to me when little children in the world starve to death. What can I do? How much longer will people suffer? When will justice come to pass? But I have no money to give, no food and clothing for the masses. I have this alone to share: the message of Christ crucified - the gospel; salvation and forgiveness, the unconditional love of my heavenly Father. At least this living water will never run out, its source never dry up; there is more than enough for all - His grace is sufficient!

Holler.

So its really late on a friday night and tomorrow is a big day...but yeah i'm still awake. Don't really know why except obviously i can't sleep. I guess life's been throwing me some curveballs lately, or at least i've been running right into them, but in any case I think I have too much on my plate right now. I've never been so good at dealing with things and sometimes I just wish everything would disappear. But like Pastor Krouscas asked at Church last sunday, do you really wish all your hardships would just go away? Paul endured many trials for the sake of the cross. Now, I am not comparing myself to Paul at all so let me get that straight first. For the trials I endure are mostly brought on by myself. But, there must be something to be learned from it all. Or some purpose. How utterly amazing that God can work everything for His glory, including the loads of idiot and careless things I seem to do from time to time. Whenever I get into a mess God is always there with a hanky for me. But doesn't He ever get tired of drying my tears? When am I supposed to grow-up and handle life in a mature, adult fashion?? And why I'm resorting to Xanga to type up horribly composed thoughts I don't know. I'm so sorry for any of you who read this far. I just needed a place to think in circles until it came out sort of straight.

I've been saying to myself over and over again "seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you..." I don't think I've been doing that lately. Somewhere along the line I through Jesus out of the driver's seat and said. Wait a minute, this is my show we are running here. Heather McMillan herself is going to take the wheel and let the world know how it's done. Well I must admit I've failed quite miserably and have been backsliding back into the pit I came from. It's amazing how people generally seem so nice to each other, as if they have it all together. No wonder I feel like such an insecure wreck next to them all. But it's all bogus because everyone has their weaknesses and shortcomings. We are all the same in that respect. Except for Jesus. Beautiful, amazing, perfect Jesus, who's sandals I'm not even fit to touch. It's time I started believing in the glorious love of God and His magnificient plan for his children. My soul has been lazy long enough. Now is the when I need to die daily to all my stupid, selfish, human wants and needs and suck it up and deal. Thank goodness that nothing is too much for God to forgive. Well I think I can almost fall asleep now so I'll stop this madness and get myself to bed. I had almost forgotten how satisfying it was to write about my ridiculous life to my sparse cyber audience. But on a more serious note, I do need prayer, I've realized that. I just don't know who to go to to come clean with it all. I'll ask God for that as I lay me down to sleep.

*peace*

Rockbridge, winter conference, and other things

I'm sitting here swamped to the marsh studying for tomorrow's test (Communication Research). Such a stark, and I repeat STARK, contrast to the awesomeness of this weekend. Full of several kinds of blizzards, hot tubs, good food, good chats with amazing girl pals, the life of Daniel, and an incredible new encounter with my God, this weekend was high on the charts. I'm so thankful for the blessing of being a part of it, and just having the opportunity to go. It's hard coming back to school though, because it's a scenario similar to this:

God: "hey heather, look through that window, see that's heaven out there"
me: "oh awesome, it's so spectacular and happy looking"
God: "I know, it's the best place ever, mostly because then I'll be with you physically"
me: "dude, i wanna go there right now, a.s.a.p. PLEASE"
heather doused with cold water
God:"sorry, you have to stay on the earth longer, you have work to do"
me: "ok....if you say so. But God, I really want to be with you now!!"

So yeah, studying for exams into the wee hours of the morning isn't my favorite way to spend time. How can I do this for the honor and glory of God? It's not enjoyable in any way, shape, or form. Maybe I'll make up stories to go along with the theories...lame -o.

It's monday, 12:30 a.m. and right now I can't see past a little into tuesday. I'm behind in absolutely everything. Rockbridge, you were awesome, but now it's time to plow through the muck again. If only there was another way...

NYC spring break

I decided to take these few minutes as a break between homework to ramble on about what I've been up to lately. I got back from the NYC trip and the week ahead looked dreadful; insurmountable odds seem to pile up and were beginning to topple over in my direction, directly on top of me. This was an away message from that week, showing my confusion and overwhelmed-ness:

slick drop spiral shop
funnel channeled leaning blocks
swoop and stir heavy and blurred
weight and lead upon my head
sigh and sway and pine away
got to find the beat to grind the haze
and stop the maze of busy

I could list all I had to do but that would be boring to read. Just trust me on this, I was freakin' busy!!! Then Friday I drove to Roanoke to interview a photographer at the Roanoke Times. Luckily Kira had come along with me because on the way back my car broke down. But it's been towed and come Monday I'm going to go to the shop where it's at in Christiansburg and see what needs to get fixed. If it ends up being the alternator, Jordan and Aaron have offered to help fix it, so I am very very grateful for that. Many others have expressed a willingness to help out in whatever way I need. I'm glad to be a part of a supportive network of friends!! And in the end I know God has my back and will work everything out.

So, this next week looks busy too, as always, but it looks interesting. Brenden is coming to visit from the other side of the country, so most of the IV crowd will probably meet him. He's staying at my brothers. We knew eachother in Venezuela growing up

Last but not least, God is faithful, and I am so thankful for that. I've been humbled a lot lately, in many ways. But God used my brokenness, I don't know how but he did. That humbled me even more. But I want to stay down. It's not good when my ego, pride and own agendas get in the way. It's better when God is in control. I really like the whole jars of clay metaphor. The fact that we have a treasure inside of us, and that is God. But the funny thing is that he shines the most through the cracks in the jar, those places where we are real in our imperfections. He uses those. It is so beautiful, and I'm amazed and speechless. We are rag dolls that God will render into perfect porcelain for His glory.

Poems

Had to write some poems for class. Just thought I'd post them.

Things that Matter, From God to Mathers

Listen to me son:
I know you think I hate you
But I’ve been lovin’ on you
Since before the day I made you.

There’s method to your rhyme
That your writing on the dotted line
It’s my design to help you define
All the pain and shame that surrounds you.

I know your father didn’t bother
To be there for you
And that your mother messed up
But it was me holding your head up
When you were crying in the dark
In the trailer park when the days were long
And all you had was your song.

I know the way races discriminate
As they disseminate their resolve to hate
And life hits you in the face
And makes you bleed
But my own son shed blood to bring you home
To me.

I know you’re a soldier to Hailie
But your baby’s gotta know me.
Could you see if you got time to rap a song about me?
I gave her to you to fill the hole
That is eating your soul
While I wait for you to turn to me.

It’s not too late you don’t have to fake
That you’re fine when you’re really
Dying inside.

I love you son.

Gate Garbage Sweat Shells

Missionary boarding school near
Colombian border
Compounded fence opens as gate swings out
And we trudge past the cows that graze in the streets
And stare at us and “moo” at cars trying to get through.

Time for the monthly project of picking up
Trash in the neighborhood where our dorm
Is the highest building standing two stories.

Vast expanse of blue tacked with limp
clouds
Interrupted only by the Andes
which blur purple into the western sky.

Sweat trickles down and soaks shirt as
I trudge with big plastic bags that
Stick to my legs when I let them hang.

The grit and dust in my toes like me
To step in the cool grass that shades feet
As I snatch up broken bottles and crumpled
Paper and faded chip bags to add
To my rubbish sack.

The sun spits smells out of the bushes
That wrinkle my nose into a funny face.
Some plants seem to leak bug juice.

A glance to see that others too forage for debris.
Step in deeper to grab the last crumpled bag and
Stop.

Smooth cold hard brass rolls into my open palm
Shells Shot Gun. Guerillas?
Across the street from the school.
There’s been talk.

Camping trips to surrounding forests canceled because of the infiltrators.
They have been here. They are here.
Soon, the missionary boarding school will close
And all its citizens shipped off to safer places
Where the sky no longer stretches into mountains
And neither do the cows share paths.

Well, I miss the journaling days. I said before that it was weird to get to know people through cyberspace, but that seems to be how the world is working nowadays. So, what have I been up to...

Hmmm...classes, working at D2 finally (it can actually be entertaining and interesting as long as you aren't in dishwash), and enjoying hanging out with my friends. I've started leading a bible study as well, and that is a lot of fun to be a part of. I'm coming down with some kind of sickness, but I hope it's not something that a little more sleep won't take care of. It looks like this summer I'll be going back to the camp I was at last summer as a overnight camp counselor. I'm really really really extremely excited and looking forward to that. Everytime I've been at that camp has been AMAZING, and so I have no reason to expect anything less this summer. The reason it's been so awesome is because God does the work, the people who go just have to be willing to let God use them. As Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost for His Highest: "God doesn't call the equipped, but he equips the called".

I wish I could invent a new word to describe God, because awesome is over-used and used in all kinds of daily situations. I am a culprit of abusing that word. But still, I guess the best way I can describe God and what he does as being indescribably awesome.

Ok, so this is probably a very boring post and people will think, "hm...ok yeah I don't know why i wasted time skimming this". Well that's ok. I just wanted to get into the spirit of blogging once again. I now shall get to work on my spanish reading and other homework. Oh and by the way, winter conference is this weekend!!! LIKE HECK YES it's going to ROCK. That's why the place is called Rockbridge. It's like a place where bridges span between friends so they can grow closer to eachother and also between us and God. And that whole process rocks. So yeah, Rockbridge. (Insert extreme cheese smiley). I NEED this time away, a chance to retreat into serenity and fellowship. Even thought my professors all decided to pile on the work load for the weekend. Ehhh. School certainly isn't everything. *happy sigh* If it was, i don't think I'd survive college.