January 23, 2009

A New Year and a tragically lost life.

I've been missing my blog and have been wanting to write for a while now. There have been quite a few times I almost sat down to it only to get distracted or having something come up. Many times I've thought of what I wanted to write about, etc, but never got to putting it down in words. It's been a hectic past couple of months. So many things going on in my life. I prefer to blog when my thoughts are collected, but as I don't know when that will happen, I might as well just get back to it.

I was so bent on going to law school, and yet still might, but feel as if that door has been gently closed for the moment. Another has opened, however, and I am planning on moving to Northern Virginia sometime this summer to enroll in a community college to get my paralegal degree. I will have a chance to figure out if I like law at all before committing myself to a large debt & at least 3 years of schooling, while getting a useful training for an actual profession (yay!).

I made it through Christmas and New Year's by just visiting random friends and family and trying to stay busy. I say it this way because since I wasn't with my immediate family which I am very close to it was more than a bit lonely. But I am so grateful to those who had me over and loved on me and shared their holiday cheer with me. I've been back in Blacksburg since the 3rd of January now, except for an extended weekend trip to visit my sister in NYC from which I returned 2 nights ago. After one full day back at work with a regular schedule and a real sense of normalcy and happiness comfortably permeating my life, something terrible happened once again at my alma mater.

This time, it wasn't just at my school, but at my place of work, and 3 co-workers were eye witnesses to a brutal murder of a young woman. I don't know how I'm supposed to process this. It still doesn't seem real. A part of my mind does the comparison thing saying, hey well this wasn't nearly as bad as 4/16, only one person has died, and you were not even acquainted with them! (My old french teacher was among those who lost their lives on that dark, very sad day in April 2007). Yet this was also a meticulously calculated affair, a brazen act of pure evil of horrific proportions. Every death is an ugly tragedy, and all life a beautiful miracle.

I used to work in the prep section behind the cafe and have even worked upfront in the cafe a number of times when we've been short-staffed. I can visualize it perfectly in my mind...I have horrible images in my mind, of things I haven't even seen but have only heard of. I don't want to think about it but can't help it. Another part of me has simply wanted to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. But that's not working very well either. It looks like once again the only route to take is right through the thick of it, pondering all the hard questions. But again? I realized this evening while I was lost in my thoughts that this is only one of many tragic incidences I've been acquainted with in my life. When I was a kid I never imagined knowing of such awful, unspeakable things by the age of 22.

In trying to sort through this, I am so heavy hearted for the girl's family and everyone directly affected by this murder. I'm trying to see past it, but it's just so dark. One thing is clear to me, that mankind in his sinful nature is completely depraved and twisted. We may not all kill, but we are all capable, and unchecked by the Holy Spirit, our wicked desires could give birth to any number of things. I am scared by sin and the stench of evil -that so many give free reign to sinful desires in their lives instead of falling at the feet of Jesus and begging for mercy. There is only one healer and one savior, one way and one truth. Every other path leads to destruction.

I will add to this as more comes to me, but for now I am going to sleep. Hooray for blessed sleep!

~H.M.