I've been wrestling with a lot of emotions and feelings and overall feeling pretty discouraged but I am sure others have very heavy hearts on this day for other reasons that are personal to them. I was calling out to my God for comfort (as I've been reminded these past few days that His love alone is unchanging and He alone is our strength) and the words of a song that I haven't heard in years and years popped up in my head. I couldn't remember what song it was so I had to google the lyrics (yay for google!!) Anyways, the song is Go Light Your World, by Chris Rice. I'm going to post the lyrics here as I hope they may be uplifting or simply comforting to someone else as they have been to me.
Go Light Your World - Chris Rice
There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home
So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world
Frustrated brother, see how he's tried to
Light his own candle some other way
See now your sister, she's been robbed and lied to
Still holds a candle without a flame
So Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world
Cause We are a family whose hearts are blazing
So let's raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times
So Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hepeless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world
Thank you my God, for your infinite love and grace, for the tenderness with which you handle my heart and the gentle way you hold me close.
April 08, 2008
In between filing taxes and watching a documentary on the DRC
I've been trying to figure out how to file my taxes, because I've never done it before and of course the deadline is creeping up really fast. I wish I didn't leave so many things until the last minute. Thanks to some tips from Breanna and Phil I just might be able to figure it out! How exciting I know. I'm pretty sure it's not rocket science. But it feels like it at least for now.
Speaking of science, with every passing day I grow more and more certain of my desire/calling to nursing. It all seems pretty crazy to me, but really it's one of the few things I've ever wanted to do, so I'm all for pursuing it with all I have. I hope to have some kind of degree in nursing within 3 years from now. All I've got to do is figure out where to go to school and what prerequisites I need to have and all the while work to live and start loan payments. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? I'm tempted to let myself get overwhelmed by the future and its uncertainties and burdens but every day I hear the Lord bidding me to come and rest in Him. I can trust in His goodness and sovereignty, and mostly his unchangeable love.
With at least a vague shape formulating on the horizon of what the next few years might look like, I still have so many questions and confusion about some things. For instance, I am planning on staying in Blacksburg for at least another year, hoping to find a job, maybe take classes part-time at NRCC and become a certified nursing assistant (CNA). But what's next? I'm so grateful for the opportunity to return to Venezuela for nearly 3 months this summer. I am planning on making the most of it, as it is likely the last time that I will get to live there with my family. But back to Blacksburg, and living in the U.S. for that matter, I'm a missionary kid and I don't really think of anywhere as home. It constantly changes in my mind to the point where I just give up and stop trying to figure it out.
I'm feeling antsy about moving again and I feel as if in a year I will be ready to move on. Where to? Africa is the one place that constantly draws me and tugs at my heart strings. I can't even tell you how many different sites I've looked at on the internet related to either missions or volunteering in Africa. I know enough French that I'm pretty sure I could pick it up were I to go somewhere that they speak this language. I had been really thinking about doing things with the Peace Corps, but that sort of evaporated. But that's fine, because I didn't feel like I had anything very helpful to offer. However, if I am able to become a nurse, then I'll feel better equipped to help and be of use.
But I can't leave the U.S. yet if I am planning on studying nursing!! Hopefully next summer I can take a trip to Africa and do SOMETHING! Maybe visit my friend Liz in the DRC and help with the work she'll be doing. I'd be content to go anywhere in Africa and be put to work! There are so many orphanages that desperately need volunteers.
I also feel that I am at such a weird place in life right now. I'm 22 years old and about to graduate with a 4 yr degree from a University. The world is spiraling around me as the days become more packed with activities and demands and responsibilities. I'm living in America, and personally I still think it's pretty weird. It only seems like a half reality, as my inner imaginings live all around the world but mostly back in Venezuela. So many people have come in and out of my life and I know that will just keep happening. I sometimes wonder how you can even try to keep in touch with all of them, and if you decide to just stay in touch with some, how do you choose which ones? This I haven't quite figured out yet.
Well I'll have to get back to filing my taxes. I think I may be getting the hang of it and surely they can't be too difficult, but somehow by dragging it out it seems a little less painful.
Speaking of science, with every passing day I grow more and more certain of my desire/calling to nursing. It all seems pretty crazy to me, but really it's one of the few things I've ever wanted to do, so I'm all for pursuing it with all I have. I hope to have some kind of degree in nursing within 3 years from now. All I've got to do is figure out where to go to school and what prerequisites I need to have and all the while work to live and start loan payments. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? I'm tempted to let myself get overwhelmed by the future and its uncertainties and burdens but every day I hear the Lord bidding me to come and rest in Him. I can trust in His goodness and sovereignty, and mostly his unchangeable love.
With at least a vague shape formulating on the horizon of what the next few years might look like, I still have so many questions and confusion about some things. For instance, I am planning on staying in Blacksburg for at least another year, hoping to find a job, maybe take classes part-time at NRCC and become a certified nursing assistant (CNA). But what's next? I'm so grateful for the opportunity to return to Venezuela for nearly 3 months this summer. I am planning on making the most of it, as it is likely the last time that I will get to live there with my family. But back to Blacksburg, and living in the U.S. for that matter, I'm a missionary kid and I don't really think of anywhere as home. It constantly changes in my mind to the point where I just give up and stop trying to figure it out.
I'm feeling antsy about moving again and I feel as if in a year I will be ready to move on. Where to? Africa is the one place that constantly draws me and tugs at my heart strings. I can't even tell you how many different sites I've looked at on the internet related to either missions or volunteering in Africa. I know enough French that I'm pretty sure I could pick it up were I to go somewhere that they speak this language. I had been really thinking about doing things with the Peace Corps, but that sort of evaporated. But that's fine, because I didn't feel like I had anything very helpful to offer. However, if I am able to become a nurse, then I'll feel better equipped to help and be of use.
But I can't leave the U.S. yet if I am planning on studying nursing!! Hopefully next summer I can take a trip to Africa and do SOMETHING! Maybe visit my friend Liz in the DRC and help with the work she'll be doing. I'd be content to go anywhere in Africa and be put to work! There are so many orphanages that desperately need volunteers.
I also feel that I am at such a weird place in life right now. I'm 22 years old and about to graduate with a 4 yr degree from a University. The world is spiraling around me as the days become more packed with activities and demands and responsibilities. I'm living in America, and personally I still think it's pretty weird. It only seems like a half reality, as my inner imaginings live all around the world but mostly back in Venezuela. So many people have come in and out of my life and I know that will just keep happening. I sometimes wonder how you can even try to keep in touch with all of them, and if you decide to just stay in touch with some, how do you choose which ones? This I haven't quite figured out yet.
Well I'll have to get back to filing my taxes. I think I may be getting the hang of it and surely they can't be too difficult, but somehow by dragging it out it seems a little less painful.
October 06, 2007
One Friday afternoon
Let me preface this note by saying that I've lately been really missing my writing days. I used to write a lot and read a lot. I used to journal all the time and write poems and short stories and read all sorts of novels. During college my writings have dwindled and recently seemed to have arrived at a grinding halt. But I love the written word, books still captivate me and many times I'll dream about the next time that I'll be able to snuggle in with a good book and forget the woes of this world until I've worn it cover to cover. Maybe this weekend! As far as writing goes, well I won't go so far as to say that I'm a gifted writer, because I don't believe this to be the case, but I know it plays an important part in my life and lies close to my heart. With time and practice, one can become fairly good at most things I believe. So I don't know if I'll even get around to writing another note past this one, but I hope that I can once again become good friends with my pen - so to speak - and not live out the rest of my life divorced from one of my first loves.
It is a Friday afternoon indeed. I imagine that as I write this a significant number of our college town are on their ways home, probably most are somewhere on the interstate headed east, to NOVA, that unofficial name for a city that so many hokies hail from. I'm sitting in my room with the sun shining gently through the window on an overcast day. I will be staying in town this weekend. For me, there isn't a place to call home that I could visit over break, besides the lovely townhome that I share with my dear friend. It will do, and I am actually content to be here. The week was very busy for me and I had a lot of schoolwork, but was full of good things that made it enjoyable. Sunday: cooking at a friends' house, Monday: a casual get together with an architect from Spain and pleasant debate in Spanish, Tuesday: dinner at D2 with friends, Wednesday: small group and bible reading to anchor my week, and a very nice homework party after my midterm Thursday. Who knew homework could be fun, right? Tonight I will probably go to the informal InterVarsity gathering thats going to be happening at the War Memorial Chapel. Truly a great week. The weekend/week ahead looks to be equally awesome. I must put in a little plug here for Ravi (Zacharias). Seriously people. Go and hear the guy! I'll put my reputation at stake in asserting that you won't regret it and that it will be a memorable occasion and hopefully very stimulating intellectually and emotionally.
Only a week ago around this time I found myself "resorting" to these Facebook notes as an attempt to save myself from other, more drastic measures. I was hurting and in a desperate plea for some solidarity I vented my bruised emotions and dark inclinations in a little note for all of the facebook world to see. I wasn't thinking clearly when I did this and wasn't being very considerate of others in the somewhat extreme statements I made. Two friends responded in their concern and I was deeply touched by that. I had thought that no one would even notice my note, much less read it. It dawned on me that in that moment of fury I had exposed a very personal part of myself, the intense, ugly and searing pain that my inner core was feeling, and I felt awkwardly vulnerable. Needless to say, I ended up deleting that post before a day had gone by.
I suppose that it is quite sad that people try so hard to cover up their brokenness and shame before others. We try to put on a happy face, reason that we are doing "ok" and play the game with everyone else. I'm not saying that this is always the case, but sometimes I guess I feel like I'm in a sea of masks, where people are hiding what they truly think or how they truly feel. A lot of people don't want to "burden" others with their problems. I don't know about you, but as for me, I can't recall a single time that I was bothered when a friend came out and told me about a struggle or a hurt they were going through. However, it is true that it will be a burden, knowing and worrying about another's pain, but it is a joy to help them carry it. When I am invited to help a friend carry his or her burden, I count it a priviledge, a moment where I actually feel that I am of worth. Why don't we share our burdens and cares more often? Why do I sometimes feel that I am carrying a suitcase, a large box, a bookpag, a purse, a duffel bag, and garmet bag and there is no one within a mile to help?
Now, I know that my friends are there for me, I love each and everyone of them. God has blessed me so much in this way. Yet I feel that we all hesitate to come clean and share things that are at the heart, our true feelings, our biggest, deepest hurts. We fear being vulnerable for many reasons. Judgement. Rejection. Ridicule. Shame. Ostracization. Irracional fears or founded? I have to ask myself, how prepared am I to hear truth from my friends, as shocking as it may be? I sometimes find in myself the tendency to want to think people into being these normal, simple, uncomplicated, close-to-perfect people and my life is easier believing that's how they are and that's how I should be. But it's a far cry from reality. Over the past months one thing that has been impressed on my mind is how real people's struggles are, how gravely they are affected on a daily basis, how sharp the arrows of the evil one, and how devastating the consequences of our sins.
Scripture says in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
Colossians 3:12-14 says: Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Why, even within "Christian" communities, is this love that casts out fear so frequently absent? How can this be remedied?
I must start with myself. A quick glance into my own heart and desires and I find that there is a slim allowance for compassion and concern for others. I have myself to worry about, why waste my time getting involved in someone else's problems? Why can I not be more generous in love, a place of refuge for the despairing?
My quest for genuineness and honesty is as real and painful as ever. I want to embark on a journey that leads me to set aside my own facades and find a way to gently encourage others to let their walls and "plastic smiles" crumble, as we learn to love each other as Christ loved.
James 5:16: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
What does it take for a community to embody these things - love and accountability? How can I do my part and where do I begin? These are questions that I hope to find answers for. What I know is that "Jesus takes the gloves off*,"when he encounters us in our sinful, depraved nature, He reaches out and touches us. He doesn't gawk or glance away or ignore our pain. Instead, He meets us in our brokenness and offers us a fresh start, a new and whole heart in Him. What a precious Savior we worship! What a wonderful, infinite, loving God!!
" Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
~ Jesus, John 14:27
* trademark by Scott Woller :)
It is a Friday afternoon indeed. I imagine that as I write this a significant number of our college town are on their ways home, probably most are somewhere on the interstate headed east, to NOVA, that unofficial name for a city that so many hokies hail from. I'm sitting in my room with the sun shining gently through the window on an overcast day. I will be staying in town this weekend. For me, there isn't a place to call home that I could visit over break, besides the lovely townhome that I share with my dear friend. It will do, and I am actually content to be here. The week was very busy for me and I had a lot of schoolwork, but was full of good things that made it enjoyable. Sunday: cooking at a friends' house, Monday: a casual get together with an architect from Spain and pleasant debate in Spanish, Tuesday: dinner at D2 with friends, Wednesday: small group and bible reading to anchor my week, and a very nice homework party after my midterm Thursday. Who knew homework could be fun, right? Tonight I will probably go to the informal InterVarsity gathering thats going to be happening at the War Memorial Chapel. Truly a great week. The weekend/week ahead looks to be equally awesome. I must put in a little plug here for Ravi (Zacharias). Seriously people. Go and hear the guy! I'll put my reputation at stake in asserting that you won't regret it and that it will be a memorable occasion and hopefully very stimulating intellectually and emotionally.
Only a week ago around this time I found myself "resorting" to these Facebook notes as an attempt to save myself from other, more drastic measures. I was hurting and in a desperate plea for some solidarity I vented my bruised emotions and dark inclinations in a little note for all of the facebook world to see. I wasn't thinking clearly when I did this and wasn't being very considerate of others in the somewhat extreme statements I made. Two friends responded in their concern and I was deeply touched by that. I had thought that no one would even notice my note, much less read it. It dawned on me that in that moment of fury I had exposed a very personal part of myself, the intense, ugly and searing pain that my inner core was feeling, and I felt awkwardly vulnerable. Needless to say, I ended up deleting that post before a day had gone by.
I suppose that it is quite sad that people try so hard to cover up their brokenness and shame before others. We try to put on a happy face, reason that we are doing "ok" and play the game with everyone else. I'm not saying that this is always the case, but sometimes I guess I feel like I'm in a sea of masks, where people are hiding what they truly think or how they truly feel. A lot of people don't want to "burden" others with their problems. I don't know about you, but as for me, I can't recall a single time that I was bothered when a friend came out and told me about a struggle or a hurt they were going through. However, it is true that it will be a burden, knowing and worrying about another's pain, but it is a joy to help them carry it. When I am invited to help a friend carry his or her burden, I count it a priviledge, a moment where I actually feel that I am of worth. Why don't we share our burdens and cares more often? Why do I sometimes feel that I am carrying a suitcase, a large box, a bookpag, a purse, a duffel bag, and garmet bag and there is no one within a mile to help?
Now, I know that my friends are there for me, I love each and everyone of them. God has blessed me so much in this way. Yet I feel that we all hesitate to come clean and share things that are at the heart, our true feelings, our biggest, deepest hurts. We fear being vulnerable for many reasons. Judgement. Rejection. Ridicule. Shame. Ostracization. Irracional fears or founded? I have to ask myself, how prepared am I to hear truth from my friends, as shocking as it may be? I sometimes find in myself the tendency to want to think people into being these normal, simple, uncomplicated, close-to-perfect people and my life is easier believing that's how they are and that's how I should be. But it's a far cry from reality. Over the past months one thing that has been impressed on my mind is how real people's struggles are, how gravely they are affected on a daily basis, how sharp the arrows of the evil one, and how devastating the consequences of our sins.
Scripture says in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
Colossians 3:12-14 says: Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Why, even within "Christian" communities, is this love that casts out fear so frequently absent? How can this be remedied?
I must start with myself. A quick glance into my own heart and desires and I find that there is a slim allowance for compassion and concern for others. I have myself to worry about, why waste my time getting involved in someone else's problems? Why can I not be more generous in love, a place of refuge for the despairing?
My quest for genuineness and honesty is as real and painful as ever. I want to embark on a journey that leads me to set aside my own facades and find a way to gently encourage others to let their walls and "plastic smiles" crumble, as we learn to love each other as Christ loved.
James 5:16: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
What does it take for a community to embody these things - love and accountability? How can I do my part and where do I begin? These are questions that I hope to find answers for. What I know is that "Jesus takes the gloves off*,"when he encounters us in our sinful, depraved nature, He reaches out and touches us. He doesn't gawk or glance away or ignore our pain. Instead, He meets us in our brokenness and offers us a fresh start, a new and whole heart in Him. What a precious Savior we worship! What a wonderful, infinite, loving God!!
" Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
~ Jesus, John 14:27
* trademark by Scott Woller :)
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