sucky day

Today I'd like to go through all my pictures and turn each smile into a frown.
Today I'd give anything to keep this spinning world from falling down.

I've tried pretty hard but I guess it's not enough.
It's too hard to get through and the scene is tough.

It doesn't even matter to me that no one cares or even knows - there are so many others that are equally as confused and sad.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I think the pressure to succeed will be the end of me. Right now I HATE school, HATE good grades, HATE being smart, HATE knowing better, HATE sucking at life, HATE being confused and hurt, HATE feeling alone, HATE that I can't give up.

I don't even know how to survive or where to go from here. SO HELP ME GOD!!!

I'm not sure which I am more excited about: the "accomplishment" of graduating, or the pure joy of getting away from this system!!!

I'll forever be a cynic.

Baseball

I have decided that I want to go to another American baseball game. I've only been to one in my life, and that was a Minnesota Twins game. There was a movie on today, called Little Big League or something, and it wasn't all that great, but it made me miss Minnesota and my friends from last summer. I wish I could go back to Camp Lebanon sometime... Well anyways, yes, I want to go to a baseball game.

Getting Closer

There are so many countdowns right now. Most are happy ones, like: countdown until my essays are done, until classes are finished, until graduation is over, until Rockbridge, until I go home! There is a sad one though: countdown until I say goodbye to Phil and don't get to see him all summer :(. After nine straight months in Blacksburg, I'm pretty sure I'm ready for change and ready for a move-on. I can't WAIT to change my surroundings, get to a new climate and settle in for one last stretch living at home in Lecheria. I really hope I get to see a bunch of my friends, especially the ones I've been able to get in touch with recently through facebook!

I have 2 papers to write, and zero motivation or concentration left. How am I going to do it? I've almost given up. Somehow they need to get done though. ARghh. I must really be getting lazyyyy or senioritis is killing me!!

So the plan for now IS to go back to work at Au Bon Pain when I return from Veni. They want me back, which is a good thing I suppose. But I'll have to work as wage staff first, not salaried, so I won't get benefits. Which means I still need to find health insurance. And send out my grad announcements and request a new debit card! Just a few things out of many to do still. And instead I sit here blogging. I went through an old journal today and actually ripped out some pages and threw them away! That was quite liberating. I have about 4 notebook journals and then the posts on this blog. Maybe some day I'll conglomerate them.

I checked out a book from the library that talks about the basics of the nursing practice. I want to read through it before I leave for Venezuela. I started looking at some stuff and my first impression is that it is a very thorough practice that calls for minute precision and zero tolerance for inaccuracy. But that does make sense, considering a human life is potentially in your hands. Well it is 12:15 am and I still need to do some reading. I'm wide awake because I took an extended nap this afternoon. =) I shall read until I fall asleep. Class at 9:30!

So excited!!!

I'm sitting in a dining center on campus, attempting to work on one of three papers that are going to be due soon, but it's so hard to focus! I am so excited about graduating and also about going home to Lecheria! It's all I can think about, and even though I don't know what all the future has in store for me, I sense that there are many adventures yet to come!

Last night at IV's large group meeting, or 180 as we call it, we had two guest speakers, Marshal from Greensboro, NC and Rich Hodge, on staff with YWAM in South Africa. They spoke on our identity in Christ and how our God loves to change our names, giving us new ones that more clearly reflect who we are in him. Rich said, in the name of Jesus, your sins are forgiven! And finally, after a long time struggling with a constant nagging sense of guilt and shame, I really felt my heavy load go away. I've been holding on for so long, but I'm finally ready to step up and be who God has called me to be. It is my earnest desire more than ever now to live a life that is worthy of the calling I have received. I know God has called me to Himself and will not allow any other idols or passions to have precedence in my life, but I do not know the specific, physical details of my life's calling.

I like the way Rich put it: we aren't called to be "missionaries" but we are called to be "priests". Our lives are venues for God to actively do His work. How exciting is that??? The realization of this hit me pretty hard and energized all the fibers in my soul! Ahh but still I must stay grounded and continue to work on my academics. So I will finish my essay on Urbanization, but may add some interesting facts here. :)

• Traffic congestion costs Americans $78 billion a year in wasted fuel and lost time.
• People making long commutes are at a higher risk for high blood pressure, sleep deprivation, and depression. They have more frequent disputes with their co-workers and families. They suffer more frequent and more serious illnesses, and they are more likely to experience premature deaths.
• The United States produces twice as much carbon dioxide per capita as Germany, Japan, and Great Britain, 8 times as much as China, and 23 times as much as India.

Why is it so hard to see the light in the midst of darkness?

I've been wrestling with a lot of emotions and feelings and overall feeling pretty discouraged but I am sure others have very heavy hearts on this day for other reasons that are personal to them. I was calling out to my God for comfort (as I've been reminded these past few days that His love alone is unchanging and He alone is our strength) and the words of a song that I haven't heard in years and years popped up in my head. I couldn't remember what song it was so I had to google the lyrics (yay for google!!) Anyways, the song is Go Light Your World, by Chris Rice. I'm going to post the lyrics here as I hope they may be uplifting or simply comforting to someone else as they have been to me.

Go Light Your World - Chris Rice

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home

So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world

Frustrated brother, see how he's tried to
Light his own candle some other way
See now your sister, she's been robbed and lied to
Still holds a candle without a flame

So Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world

Cause We are a family whose hearts are blazing
So let's raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times

So Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world

Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hepeless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world


Thank you my God, for your infinite love and grace, for the tenderness with which you handle my heart and the gentle way you hold me close.

In between filing taxes and watching a documentary on the DRC

I've been trying to figure out how to file my taxes, because I've never done it before and of course the deadline is creeping up really fast. I wish I didn't leave so many things until the last minute. Thanks to some tips from Breanna and Phil I just might be able to figure it out! How exciting I know. I'm pretty sure it's not rocket science. But it feels like it at least for now.

Speaking of science, with every passing day I grow more and more certain of my desire/calling to nursing. It all seems pretty crazy to me, but really it's one of the few things I've ever wanted to do, so I'm all for pursuing it with all I have. I hope to have some kind of degree in nursing within 3 years from now. All I've got to do is figure out where to go to school and what prerequisites I need to have and all the while work to live and start loan payments. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? I'm tempted to let myself get overwhelmed by the future and its uncertainties and burdens but every day I hear the Lord bidding me to come and rest in Him. I can trust in His goodness and sovereignty, and mostly his unchangeable love.

With at least a vague shape formulating on the horizon of what the next few years might look like, I still have so many questions and confusion about some things. For instance, I am planning on staying in Blacksburg for at least another year, hoping to find a job, maybe take classes part-time at NRCC and become a certified nursing assistant (CNA). But what's next? I'm so grateful for the opportunity to return to Venezuela for nearly 3 months this summer. I am planning on making the most of it, as it is likely the last time that I will get to live there with my family. But back to Blacksburg, and living in the U.S. for that matter, I'm a missionary kid and I don't really think of anywhere as home. It constantly changes in my mind to the point where I just give up and stop trying to figure it out.

I'm feeling antsy about moving again and I feel as if in a year I will be ready to move on. Where to? Africa is the one place that constantly draws me and tugs at my heart strings. I can't even tell you how many different sites I've looked at on the internet related to either missions or volunteering in Africa. I know enough French that I'm pretty sure I could pick it up were I to go somewhere that they speak this language. I had been really thinking about doing things with the Peace Corps, but that sort of evaporated. But that's fine, because I didn't feel like I had anything very helpful to offer. However, if I am able to become a nurse, then I'll feel better equipped to help and be of use.

But I can't leave the U.S. yet if I am planning on studying nursing!! Hopefully next summer I can take a trip to Africa and do SOMETHING! Maybe visit my friend Liz in the DRC and help with the work she'll be doing. I'd be content to go anywhere in Africa and be put to work! There are so many orphanages that desperately need volunteers.

I also feel that I am at such a weird place in life right now. I'm 22 years old and about to graduate with a 4 yr degree from a University. The world is spiraling around me as the days become more packed with activities and demands and responsibilities. I'm living in America, and personally I still think it's pretty weird. It only seems like a half reality, as my inner imaginings live all around the world but mostly back in Venezuela. So many people have come in and out of my life and I know that will just keep happening. I sometimes wonder how you can even try to keep in touch with all of them, and if you decide to just stay in touch with some, how do you choose which ones? This I haven't quite figured out yet.

Well I'll have to get back to filing my taxes. I think I may be getting the hang of it and surely they can't be too difficult, but somehow by dragging it out it seems a little less painful.